I Wanna Be Loved

Eric

I've been here before, the closed lid on my window not letting any light in, me naked in bed because I don't want to get up and get dressed. There is nothing to do today or any day.

I still don't know how to explain this feeling, like being underwater but not fully cold or dead. Still alive to my very disappointment but well, I should be thankful I guess, for life.

I've been laying in bed far too long listening to melancholic music like Joji, that last album "Nectar" had a feeling so near my being right now I played the whole album on repeat on my speakers. Drowning the sound of the city of London outside my bedroom.

I moved here in hopes of finding work  in photography, with no luck for the most part. I had gotten the chance to work for some low-key models but they couldn't pay much for the session sadly, and I didn't want to push them, I didn't want to put a bad word out there about me being too expensive with my photo session, if not people would think "oh, who does he think he is, nobody knows him"

I know it doesn't make sense, but you have to start with low prices so people find you more easily approachable and then from there start getting more and more work. Finally being able to shoot some magazine covers maybe.

That was the dream. Pretty modest I think. Right? I mean I could dream big and say I wanted to take photos of the Queen.

To much luck, I haven't been able to land that many jobs, which put me off. Maybe I had put too much excitement and anticipation into this new city.

I must say though, I didn't have much equipment to begin with, just a standard tripod and my favourite camera, my so beloved Miranda Sensorex. The Japanese did know how to make good cameras.

So this also put people off, I had the experience somehow and also the art craft well built into my pictures but still, people found me to be not good enough. Or they just didn't understand what it meant to shoot film, they thought it didn't have the same quality and assurance as a digital camera. Which was kinda true if I'm being honest.

This all came skyrocketing and now here I was, depressed, in bed all day and listening to sad music. I was a true-born masochist if I may say.

The automatic reply of Joji's album began again and now I was listening to the first song of the album all over again.
"Ew" haha pretty accurate name for my state right now, but the lyrics drew me in as they sang "this is your world" along with the chorus repeating the same words.

I guess it was a sign from God to get up and do something with my life, I still had some savings but they were running low honestly. I could afford food but I think I will be tight on the next payment on my apartment which was nearing close. It was the 25th of March, the beginning of Spring.

I've always loved photographing flowers and plants. So thought why not just take the camera on a stroll around the neighbourhood?

Finding some new willpower from the lyrics and the sun that was entering my window curtain, I started to get up from the bed. I searched for my phone which luckily was plugged in next to the Bluetooth speaker.

"I guess I'm not that much of a mess as I thought" I muttered to myself, thankful that I had battery on my run-down phone.

The phone showed the hour was 5:54 pm.
It gave me maybe one or two hours more of sun. If I wanted to shoot something decent I had to hurry.

I hadn't eaten anything all day but i wasn't hungry, so I put on some black underwear and my favourite dress shirt, I loved my button-down shirts. This one was yellow with some waves to the patterns changing colours from red to orange. It looked great on my tan skin. I wondered how long the tan would last while I was in London, it was kinda cloudy today I thought, but once I opened the blinds I could see I was right, just some rays of sun breaking through the clouds making a spectacular sunset. That gave me more motivation to go out and explore my neighbourhood which was called Ilford, funny enough it was my favourite film roll to use.