Unconditionally

30 | Vulnerable

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Hareem

I sat down on the Ottoman in Emaad's office, facing him almost nervously. My heart was pounding hard in my chest and my palms felt sweat. What is happening to me?

"Hareem. Unfortunately I have to step down as your psychiatrist." He broke the, as of yet, comfortable silence between us.

For a second I wasn't sure if I had heard him correctly. "You w-what? Why?" 

"If you wish, I can ask one of my colleagues to take over from me." He clasped his hands together over his desk. 

"I'm sorry, I don't understand." I shook my head in disbelief. "Do you feel that I am beyond help or...?"

"It's nothing like that, Hareem. I don't give up on people who I have vowed to help." 

"It seems to me that's exactly what you're doing right now." I spoke tonelessly. I had no idea why I was feeling so offended. Maybe it was because I had opened up my thoughts and emotions to him, something I rarely did. For him to back out like this now stung a little.

He ran a hand through his wavy black hair, his blue eyes expressive with emotions that I couldn't read clearly. "Hareem, I have a great regard for my profession, and you must have heard the term 'conflict of interests', right?" 

"Conflict of interests?" I repeated, confused. "I don't understand how this is that. Look, if you don't want to help me, fair enough, but please just be direct with me. I'm a grown up, and mature enough to understand." 

"Hareem, I don't want to disrespect you, and I don't want to disrespect the boundaries of our religion, but the fact is that I should not be feeling this way towards someone that I am helping on a professional capacity." He admitted calmly.

I stared at him, unable to believe what I was hearing. My heart had already increased is speed, blocking out all the noise around me momentarily. 

"I cannot fairly help you when I feel this way towards you, because it will stop me from being impartial." His blue eyes locked with mine. "I feel that it's best for both of us if you continue with a colleague of mine." 

"What do you feel towards me?" I asked, my tone more confident than I was feeling on the inside.

"It's best if we don't discuss that right now." He spoke softly, standing up. "Hareem, I need your consent to speak to my colleague regarding helping you..."

I felt the shell building up back around me. It had taken me a great effort to open up, and now he was suggesting that I opened up to a completely different person all over again? I had felt myself getting more and more comfortable with Emaad, and I was starting to really trust him. I stood up as well. "It's okay. You have helped me enough, I'll be fine. Thank you." I turned to go.

"Hareem, you are doing so well. I recommend that you continue the sessions..." 

This is what I get for opening up. I couldn't help feeling like I had been abandoned once again, which was completely illogical. Emaad had no obligation towards me. He had a complete right to step away from helping me. "Thank you for everything that you had done for me, Emaad." I whispered, before pulling open the door of the office and walking out.