𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐋. ☐

NINETEEN.

It'd been hours now.

Hours of Jisung sitting and blocking out the rest of the world. At some point, he'd stopped feeling cold. The threat of unconsciousness had faded and he could hardly even feel the blood on his hands now. He wasn't sure he registered anything from his senses, and perhaps, that was better than what he'd experience otherwise.

He felt like a ghost sitting against the tree. He wasn't even truly thinking. His thoughts all blurred together, if he had thoughts at all. He couldn't recall anything since he and Felix had spoken. He knew that Changbin had tried to say something to him, but all that came through his ears was a voice. Nobody had bothered him since.

Hyunjin and Minho were still hunched over Jeongin. Chan had gone somewhere; he wasn't sure where. If he'd moved his neck and looked to the left, he would've seen him asleep next to Felix. But he hadn't moved. He wasn't going to.

It felt nice to shut everything out. Maybe it was the more passive version of sleep paralysis. He did, in a way, feel asleep. Asleep to the world, to his thoughts. And he was surely paralyzed here. If he'd been alone, he thought he would probably rot into the ground in that same position. That idea wasn't as terrifying as it should've been, he was aware.

He didn't have room in his mind for being terrified anymore. He didn't have room for anything. All he felt was numbness. He should've fought it the moment he became aware of it, but it was better than having another panic attack. Or passing out. Or breaking down again - the idea of crying felt so normal now that it seemed as common as breathing.

He could still feel tears lingering on his cheeks from the countless times he'd sobbed into the ground. He felt them from the moment he stepped into the forest, even from the moment he met up with the students outside his dorm. He thought he might've even felt them ever since he and Minho spoke, the night before.

Jisung would turn back time, he decided.

Minho had promised him that they'd be together in every life past this. If they were to miss out on this one, it'd be okay, right? He'd never know of Minho if they never met. He would never feel longing for the man. And to have that, would be okay. Because if Minho's words held any weight, they'd find each other again.

Perhaps, they were destined to meet no matter what. Maybe, in some world where Hajoon had never gone into the forest, they would've still been together in the end.

Jisung would've gone to the cafe on a particularly tiring morning, most likely exam week - That's about when he would've been stressed enough to get coffee. Maybe Minho and his friends would be sitting there, and Minho would have an empty surface in front of him. Or, Minho would be alone, silently eating breakfast.

Perhaps, Jisung would approach him, because he just felt like he needed to. Realistically, it would've been Minho, walking up and saying something that Jisung had to wait a few seconds to process. Maybe they would chat. And then Minho would sit down, and they'd talk. And it would become a daily routine.

Maybe, one day, they'd be sitting on Minho's bed in his dorm, confessing their love to each other. And it wouldn't be because they would never have a chance to again. Their first kiss wouldn't be out of desperation and pain, grief that was only of what was yet to come. It would be love, and Jisung would smile into it, and he could nearly Minho's giggle afterward.

They would do that every night afterward. They'd laugh, kiss each other, and watch Minho's stupid movies that Jisung only acted like he hated. Jisung would eventually meet Felix, and Changbin, and Hyunjin. Jisung and Changbin would work on music together. It wouldn't be the same without Chan, Jisung knew, but in this near-perfect world, he wouldn't know any different.