"skies grew darker, currents swept you out again."
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EDEN jumped out of her dad's car and slammed the door shut. sam, who had also just gotten there, turned around abruptly.
"holy shit. he came." she reported.
"i've decided to temporarily assist you in your investigation." he limped over.
"thank you." sam tried to act cool.
"look, just because that guy showered doesn't mean he should have a gun." richie whispered.
eden took a deep breath, "can you just shut the fuck up? in two days i haven't laughed at a single one of your jokes." she shot.
he raised his eyebrows and looked down, suddenly scared of the small girl.
eden, satisfied at his reaction, followed her dad inside and found a seat next to amber.
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"how do you know so much about the stab movies?" richie asked, looking around.
"runs in her family." dewey smiled.
"randy was our uncle." mindy looked at his painting above the fireplace and blew a kiss, "rip."
"ooh. suspects." mindy and chads mom walked in with a tray of food, "my brother would be so proud."
"hey martha." dewey grinned.
"dewey." she hugged him, "hi. you look..."
"yeah." he nodded awkwardly, and eden tried to suppress her giggle into ambers shoulder.
"how's the wife?" she asked. eden wondered why chad and mindy didn't tell her about their split up.
"okay mom." chad quickly interrupted, looking at eden, "we're good. thank you."
"all right, kids. have fun." she held up a thumbs up.
"i asked mindy to call everybody here because... there's something i have to tell you." sam started.
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"let me get this straight. you're the daughter of billy loomis." chad pointed to said killers picture on the tv, "and what, one of us is the killer.
"the killer told me he knew my secret." she pointed out, "he attacked tara to lure me here."
"but then why immediately go and murder some douche-nozzle that was stalking liv?"
"why does it have to be one of us?" wes asked, "what about deputy dewey here? maybe he's the killer."
"oh my gosh, you guys are dumber than i thought." eden shot daggers at him.
"i want to see where he's going with this." dewey laughed, "what's my motive?"
"you got stabbed a billion times, got dumped by your famous wife, and crawled into a bottle. i think it's safe to say you're on the suspect list." he answered.
"well maybe you're the killer." dewey shot back, "because that cut deep."
"that douche-nozzle is connected." amber spoke, "i googled him. his mom is leslie macher. stu macher's sister."
"who's stu macher?" liv asked.
eden slapped her palm on her forehead.
"he's billy loomis's accomplice." dewey explained, "a real loony tune."
"okay. okay." said sam, "so the first three attacks are all on people related to the original killers."
"oh my gosh! he's making a requel!" mindy shouted.
"a what?" sam asked.
"or a sequel. fans are torn on the terminology."
"please speak english."
"remember the stab movie that came out last year?" she asked.
"oh, yeah! the one the knives out guy directed. i actually really liked that one." said liv.
"of course you did. you have terrible taste." mindy rolled her eyes.
"i hate you." said liv.
"the point is, the hard core stab fans hated it. you go on 4chan and dreadit, all they're talking about is how stab 8 pissed on their childhoods." she explained, "how they crammed in social commentary just to elevate it. how the main characters a mary sue."
"what's a mary sue?" richie asked.
"you really don't want to know." wes whispered.
"what's wrong with elevated horror?" amber asked, "i mean, jordan peele fucking rules."
"uh, obviously. but that's not stab." she said, "real stab movies are mega slashed whodunits, full stop."
"come on, it's just a movie." sam scoffed.
"no it's not. to some people the original is their favorite thing in the world. the movie that made them love horror." she said, "that mom or dad showed to the, when they were ten and bonded them together. and God help anyone who slightly fucks with that special memory. who makes a movie they think disrespects it. it sounds like our killer is writing his own version of stab 8, but doing it as a requel."
"which is?" dewey asked, and eden looked down.
"see, you can't just reboot a franchise from scratch anymore. the fans won't stand for it." she tried to further explain. black cgristmas, childs play, flatliners. that shit doesn't work. but you can't just do a straight sequel, either. you gotta build something new. but not too new or the internet goes bug fucking nuts. it's gotta be part of an ongoing story line, even if the storyline shouldn't have been ongoing in the first place. new main characters, yes, but supported by and related to legacy characters.
eden high fived chad.
"not quite a reboot, not quite a sequel. like the new halloween, saw, terminator, jurassic park, ghostbusters. fuck even star wars!" she continued, "it always, always goes back to the original."
"are you telling me that i'm caught in the middle of a fan fucking fiction?" sam asked
