Outliers

Discoveries

I quickly darted out the door of my tent, flapping it closed behind me to hold in the heat, as is our custom. The voices were Bel and Noor. Bel was in charge of the chicken coop, and Noor was a great elder in the camp, almost sixty years old, stooped over and mean as could be. Noor never spoke directly to me, I think because of my father's fear stain.

"Is the coop ready? The chickens are crazy to get out." Bel asked.

"Yes, sir. It is ready."

He nodded and grunted his thanks and turned away. Noor gave me his evil fish eye and turned as well, shuffling back toward the tent of one of his old friends, no doubt to sit around eating for hours.

Old men in our camp are honored and looked to as teachers. They are the only ones that get to rest. Mostly I think that is good. They are very hard workers and hunt and gather and move the camp every day of their young lives. But some of them lay down work too early, not like the older days. They become elders and tell everyone else what to do, but don't contribute themselves. The respected older men get overpowered by these few bad ones. I wonder how this ends up happening, because it seems like if everyone else wanted to, they could put a stop to it. But no one ever says anything. It would disrupt the "unity of the camp."

If anyone knew who was in my tent at this moment, the unity of the camp would be shattered! I smiled to myself a little as I went back inside. But I need a plan. Think. Sometimes thinking is hard... I squatted by the fire and held both sides of my forehead in my hands, ready to form some ideas that hadn't come yet.

Ivan was so narrow. It looked like he would need a few days of feeding before he would be well enough to walk about. I would keep him in my tent during that time. I had to prevent people from visiting. Normally that is not a huge problem for me but it does happen. I could visit others. This tended to prevent others from visiting me, because they just saw me in their own tents. But leave Ivan alone? No, that won't work. I could pretend to be ill. But then some of the women would come and try to offer care. No, that won't work either. How can I deal with this in the big picture when I can't even figure out what to do in the next three days??? Panic was starting to set in. Ivan didn't seem to notice; it looked like he had dozed off. I kept thinking.

OK. Idea formed. I would have to do something terrible to increase the fear stain and keep people from wanting to associate with me. But not something so bad that no one would ever speak to me again. And nothing that would really hurt anyone. Hmmmmm... I decided that I would make some visits and stir up talk about my father. That would work like a charm. I needed to start right away, while Ivan was sleepy, so he wouldn't wander off while I was gone. I stomped loudly toward the door flap, hoping his eyelids would part. THey did. I made a motion with my hands like we do with small children. "STAY." He seemed to get it. And out I went.

Before I enacted this plan I had to visit Trini's tent. When I arrived, I saw that the baby had already been born. This was the first baby I had missed born in so long. I had no time to think, though. The plan called.

The first tent I visited was Nali and Vall. They were joined as man and woman a few years ago and have two babies. I helped with both babies. They were most likely to visit me. Nali was a hard man, didn't say much, but worked very hard. Vall worked hard, too, but liked to chat about other people in the camp and about food, and about anything really. I made some small talk about Trini and hugged both babies. Then I began to stare long and deep into their fire and fell silent, knowing Vall would eventually notice she was the only one talking and ask me what I was thinking on.

"What are you thinking on?"

I paused, to emphasize how painful the topic was going to be. THen I started in. "Do you ever wonder where my father is? It is almost ten years since he left."

Silence, other than baby noise. Then, from Nali, "he is gone. There is nothing to discuss about --- "

I interrupt, "Well, it is just something I have been thinking on, for some time. Do you remember that time? Do you know why he left?"

Vall had fallen silent. Nali thought for a moment. I thought, only just briefly, that his eyes hid something. I often had that impression from Vall, though. He eventually said, "I remember that as a dark time. It is not important why he left. He left. He left you and all of us and he is gone now, and bringing it up again only makes it worse. People who leave must never be spoken of. You know this. Go to your tent now."

While this was all an act, his words still stung me. My father must have left for a reason. Vall knows the reason and won't say what it is. Maybe I had gotten him to not visit for awhile but I had not escaped unhurt. I decided I was not done talking with Nali on this.

I went in the direction of my own tent, and peeked in. Ivan was still there, sleeping, it seemed. I then visited a few other tents of people that were likely to stop by, and chatted with them, then brought up my father in some way. After Nali, I was more subtle, but still I did enough damage to get more stain on me.

I felt good despite the pain of thinking about my father. I headed back for my tent, intent on trying to get Ivan to understand staying put while I worked at the coop later. But when I got back to the tent, it was empty.