Jag Älskar Dig Inte (I Don't Love You)

Is it Just A Line?

It was early, almost 5 A.M, and Tim hadn't gone to sleep yet. Only two days and a half had passed since that incident. Tim had been lost- engulfed- in thought. He touched him... in such a tender area.. and he enjoyed it. Perhaps a bit too much. He held his hand, imagining that he could wring out the feeling, and get it out of his mind. Everything weighed too much, especially the affection. The band members were trying to get him to talk, the calm pats on the back, the small hugs, and everything else had taken a toll on him. He felt uncomfortable, harassed and used. Everything was just too much. He wished that he could just shut everyone out, and lock himself in a closet, where no one could touch him, he couldn't touch anyone. He could be alone, no one understood him. He seemed distracted, and distant. He didn't want to talk, mainly to Johannes. The morning sunlight came in through the window, and Tim hadn't gotten an ounce of sleep. He felt a small wave of depression coming over him. Everything came crashing down on him all of a sudden, and he couldn't breathe for a moment. He placed his hand on his chest and took a deep breath.
It was only an accident, Tim. Johannes understands. He thought, and whispered the last part over and over again until he said it out loud. What am I doing to myself..? He said it aloud, in a whisper. He just decided to change out of nowhere, and everyone was getting suspicious of his new found behavior. Henrik woke up from the bed right next to him. He didn't have a shirt on, and Tim couldn't help but look at him as he rose from the white sheets, his blond hair disheveled in it's ponytail. He wiped his tired eyes and jumped to the floor. Henrik looked at him for a second and smiled.
"Good morning, Tim. How are you?" He grabbed a shirt from the side of his bed, that same smile on his face.
"Not so good." He looked like hell, the way he was at that moment.
"Why, Tim?"
I touched Johannes' ...! "I just.. don't feel good right now.." He should have just told him. He should have just poured all of his emotions out, placed his cards on the table! Yet, he refused to do so. Henrik offered a caring glance, almost like how someone would look at puppy when it was sleeping.
"I'm sorry to hear that. You want some coffee, Tim?" He pulled the gray shirt over his head, his golden locks shining in the early morning sunlight. He nodded, and Henrik went to the 'kitchen' to make him a cup of coffee. With no sleep, Tim felt just fine. The only thing he felt was this somewhat raw and indescribable feeling all over his body. Tire was something that never showed up on Tim.
Henrik handed the steaming mug to his friend in bed. "Thanks, Henrik." Henrik offered a smile to him as Tim looked at the contents in the cup. Thank God he took his coffee every way. It was black with sugar, the way Henrik liked his coffee. They both took a sip of the charcoal liquid. "Henrik," Tim asked softly, "can you take a walk with me?" He asked it as if he was afraid of something, almost anxious.
"Of course, Tim." They both, mugs in hand, walked out of the hotel room. "What are we doing out here?" Henrik asked, yawning a little bit, trying to shake off the last bit of tire that clung to him. There was a small pause before Tim answered the question.
"I need to get something off my chest, Henrik." They stopped in the middle of the hallway and faced each other. Henrik leaned against the wall and offered the 'shoot' signal. Tim took a deep breath and a tear almost formed in his eye. "I touched Johannes in a very.. very sensitive area. And I don't know how to deal with all the guilt I feel for not saying anything -for no apology- and I just can't forget, and..-" He started crying with that. Henrik touched his shoulder. Tim knew he was safe here, he was in the midst of a friend, and he wouldn't hurt him. He poured everything out to him, and Henrik felt everything that he said on the same level Tim was. He even came close to crying himself.
"I understand everything you're going through. It's okay, Tim." Henrik pulled his broken friend into a hug. The hot tears started streaming down Henrik's own face. He placed his hand at the back of Tim's head and stroked his hair, making his sobs die down. Tim then wrapped his arms around Henrik, feeling safe enough to accept the affection from his peer. He couldn't deny the fact that he felt like family when he was around his friends, and he loved his family. Tim didn't know how to react to this moment, so he did the first thing he felt was right. His lips somehow found themselves on Henrik's shoulder.
"Thank you, Henrik..." he said that almost as a whisper, but it was heard as a clear statement.
"Don't mention it." He lifted his head from off his pale, comforting shoulder. They walked back to the room and saw that everyone else was now awake. Johannes was pulling a black tank top over his pale torso. Tim started to drool at the way his muscles moved as the shirt was pulled over his body. He whipped out of that trance and focused on getting ready for rehearsal at the auditorium. This was their first acoustic concert in America as Avatar.
1:30 P.M: The Confrontation..;
Johannes caught Tim in the breakroom.
"Hey, Tim." Johannes walked up to Tim and sat down next to him at the table. The black painted ceramic mug was in Tim's hands. He clasped it tightly at the soud of the man next to him's voice. He refused to make eye contact with him. He just focused on drinking his tea and eating the lunch he bought.
"Hi, Johannes." He said it coldly, despite the light-hearted, warm vibe Johannes was trying to offer.
"Listen, Tim. About what happened the other day-" Tim had to close his eyes, the anger and annoyance intermingling with his blood and it made his face hot and his body cold with each second.
"I don't want to talk about that, Johannes." He interrupted abruptly, the anger and annoyance evident in his voice.
Johannes still continued on, despite all what Tim said. "I just want you to know that what happened, happened and it's all water under the bridge." He gave him a gentle pat on the back, still uncomfortable with what happened. Tim stiffened at the unexpected touch - the affection he wasn't expecting just yet from him. "I might regret this when I say it, but, Tim..." Johannes took in a deep breath to calm himself for what he was about to say. Tim then made eye contact with the man speaking. "Jag älskar dig."
Tim's heart skyrocketed when he heard Johannes say those words. He felt a certain rush, like he needed to do something. He kept the emotions hidden under a warm smile that made him blush. Johannes smiled back at him, his teeth giving him assurance that he was sincere. He had left him to eat in peace. Oh, God! He thought the words, feeling tempted to say them aloud. I cannot believe what Johannes- the Johannes Eckerström that I know- just said to me.. Why did he just pour his heart out to me? And why didn't he say it sooner? All of the thoughts ran throughout his head, being left unanswered and thrown carelessly into the pile of all of the other unanswered ones. But he would save those last ones for Johannes to answer.. He would have his answers soon enough.

9:30 P.M; The Confrontation Part 2;
The final rehearsal went fine, but now it was time to take it easy and relax for a while to get all of the last minute jitters out. Tim was comfortably lying in his bed, the covers surrounding him like snow around a rock. He stared at the blank ceiling, getting all of the questions in order. He suddenly sprung out of the bed. He walked to Johannes' bed, seeing him lying there, his eyes dark and glassy and unmoving. He looked at Tim for a millisecond and returned to the thing his eyes were fixed on initially. "Hi, Tim." He sat up to give him his full attention.
"Can I talk to you, Johannes?" He asked it very quiet and quickly. Johannes nodded and sat on the side of the bed. He patted the area where he wanted Tim to sit. "So, what you said, earlier, did you.. mean it?" Johannes sucked in his bottom lip. "Do you really love me?"
"Of course, Tim." He shifted his stance in the bed. Tim could feel Johannes' warm hand on his thigh. That wasn't there before... he thought, going with what Johannes did and allowed it to happen. "But the real question is, Tim, do you love me?" He moved the hand that was on Tim's thigh and placed it at the back of his head. They both closed their eyes, awaiting the kiss that was about to happen. Johannes' warm breath could be felt on Tim's lips, and it made him shudder and turn his head before the kiss could happen.
"I love you, Johannes.. but not the way that you love me." He stood and left Johannes on the bed. He felt tears welling up in his eyes. He really did love Tim. But Tim didn't feel the same way. It made his heart feel lonely. Ever since he and his girlfriend hung things up and stopped communicating, things hadn't been the same in his heart, his behavior, his personality. Just nothing was the same. It wouldn't be the same, not now and not ever. Johannes wiped the tears from his face, and took deep breaths to calm himself gradually.
What do I want? Tim had to ask himself this question. What was it he wanted from Johannes? Was it affection, was it the extra attention? He didn't know which one it was, but he felt like he needed it all. He needed all of what Johannes would give him. And he would love every moment, every second -every millisecond- that they would spend together. Now, it would be too late to say it. But how would he tell him this? It seemed so easy to just tell him 'Jag älskar dig', and be done with his life, and go forward instead of dwelling on the past. What has been done is done, regardless of the effect it had on the people around him. He was positive he loved Johannes which he could conjure up the strength to think these things with no problem at all. That was the part that anyone could do, if they knew what they wanted. But the verbal part - the talking to Johannes - was the hard part, and it wouldn't be easy to just go about it, like it was a lighthearted subject. They both knew that if they didn't take it seriously, it wouldn't be true and it wouldn't be honest. That would mean it would be like water slipping through their fingers, and going down the drain with all of the failures in the world. He had to find some way to tell his feelings, but how can he take back what he said earlier? Everything he previously said had been written in stone, for everyone to see. The damage he had done to Johannes had been enough, then to change his mind right then and there, it would be unexpected and cliché. He didn't want Johannes to get that from him. But what was the way he would tell him? How could he say it, and get to his heart?