From Habit To Home

Chapter 1: "Painkiller"

On my 40th birthday I decided to buy myself a dog, well those who know me knows that growing up I couldn't stand these creatures. Like, I couldn't get how people can allow something that walks on 4 legs, with so much loose hair and warm breathe, who eats literally anything and everything they see, to take up so much physical, emotional, financial and whatever space there is. And I am not saying this because I remember being bitten by my friends' dog at the age of eight years and she pretended like the dog was just playing with me or that one time I was asked by my grandmother to go and borrow a cup of vinegar from the auntie down the street and on my way back I got chased by that very same dog. I've never ran so fast in my entire life! I remember looking back and when I saw how the dog was coming for me with its awful teeth , I took the cup and throw it at him. But here I am, almost 30 years later and I got myself a puppy. 

I literally shivered when I had to touch her for the first time. Her body was hot like flames of fire, soft but spiky, disgusting but also  lovable and something to just keep close to your chest. I called her Wonder because at time I've wondered about a lot in my life. That night I wasn't sure where I should make her sleep or how, my house was not puppy friendly at all and there was just no way I was going to make her sleep in my bed with me; so I made her a bed using pillows and blankets in my living room. I got up at-least three times that night just to make sure  she's still breathing or that she is covered as if she was a real baby. Getting Wonder was not planned but rather my first approach to mending my broken soul. I never knew I would end up loving her as much as I do now, that four legged, warm breathed, hairy, spotted miracle has the ability to turn my heart upside down every time she runs towards me whenever the car reaches the drive way. At first I wanted to give her away after the first few weeks because I couldn't stand having to clean up after her poof all over the house. I felt like she deliberately choose to irritate me by her inability to go outside and handle her business, I mean she's a lady after all.  Until one specific morning when I had guests over and the lady accidentally stepped unto her front paw, that morning I wanted to cry with my Wonder. Mothers can probably relate this to the first time your child fell and broke his or her arm. To you she's just a dog but she has grown into being my friend, my baby, my first and last face before and after sleep. She sees me when its my good days and when its the bad ones, she became a part of me, of my life so much that I didn't mind cleaning up after her anymore; in fact through this she taught me that loving someone actually requires of you to clean up their poof not just every now and then but everyday. 

The reality is also this, she is not a child. She is not a husband, she is not a friend, she is not a person. Her abilities to be who I wished her to be is limited to who she is; a dog. A dog that cannot speak, or hold me, or say that she loves me or that she is proud of me. She cannot run the bath for me, rub my feet, play with my hair and talk to me for hours on end about jets and flowers. She cannot yell "Mommy!" whenever she is having a nightmare or got the best grade for an assignment at school. As much as I appreciate the presence of a dog it still doesn't change the fact that I miss my baby girl. And the fact that she is gone is the reason why I lost the love of my life probably forever...

It was a typical cold winter morning and I remember myself and Dante getting ready for work. He was busy taking the toast out and I was grabbing the last of Chloe's things so that he could drop her off at school before we both go to work. We took turns each day to drop and fetch her from school so that she would have the experience of having equal time spend with both of us. Unaware of it, we were all three wearing our favorite colors that morning, green and grey. My husband has always been a very detailed person so after noticing this he immediately got his phone and took a selfie of us sitting around the breakfast table. He always called us the 'Greenions' because we really loved all the shades of green. My mouth still had strawberry jam dripping down and he had bread crumbs on his beard. "No babes, you could've at least waited until I was in my natural beautiful state before you captured now all you have is jam and crumbs all over" I said to him as we continued to take pictures and we both wiped our mouths using the serviettes on the table, it was green ones with white lilies on. " The jam and crumbs is a representation of the love we share in this house my love. Seven years of nothing but the best. We love in simplicity and love lives here till forever baby!" he responded to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead. Chloe was just sitting there, smiling as if she had understood every word we had just spoken. I've always believed that for an eight year old she understands far more in this life then what I sometimes do. She was her fathers everything. Dante then took a big scoop of jam with his fingers and draw a full circle on Chloe's face." Daaaaaaaaa-ddddd-yyy, no!!! stop it!" she yelled and laughed; so hard that the same time her tears came out and she accidentally farted. We couldn't stop laughing, I wish I could have this moments forever. Her whole face turned red and it looked as if she wanted to put her face into the butter tub.