Eleven Eleven

I Love Rock and Roll

I leaned against the cold railing and stared out over the city, the smallest of smiles touching at my chapped lips as the sun dipped behind the mountains. Within the next hour, the city lights would illuminate the night. I didn't turn around to see who entered the room when I heard my suite door shut. I felt the warmth of one of the boys bodies against my side as he leaned into the rail beside me.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Ryan said breathlessly beside me. Finally turning to look at him, I was taken back to find the awe shining in his eyes as he took in the breathtaking view. He had to of been on these terraces hundreds of times, seen this very few dozens. But it still had the ability to render the flirty, obnoxious playboy speechless.

When I only smiled a little and turned back to stare ahead of me, he reached out, hesitating for a fraction of a second, before he rested his hand on my back. "Are you okay, Willow?"

I was definitely the furthest thing from it; the overwhelming rush of emotions that were a hurricane inside of me threatened to spill over any second.

"I don't know." I shrugged a shoulder. "It's like. . . I don't know what to feel anymore. All these years of bottling it all up and pushing it down is starting to catch up with me and I feel like I'm going to detonate at any second. I feel like I'm losing me trying to find him."

Ryan considered my words for a moment, letting them process, before he finally said, "In other words, you're letting Xander back in and you don't like that he's making you feel those things again?"

I nodded, losing myself in his blues as he shifted his gaze from the city to me beside him.

"I think you should go with the flow, let things come as they do. Willow, the more you fight yourself, the more you'll feel those emotions. The more you'll hurt." He touched a hand to my shoulder with a genuine smile. Nothing like the flirtatious smirks and grins he'd been throwing my way since we'd crossed paths at the hospital. "It's okay. You don't have to do this on your own anymore. You're not alone."

*

Xander winced as he shifted his body on the King-sized bed, squeezing his eyes shut and biting down hard on his bottom lip simultaneously. Though everything inside urged me to rush out the door, I crossed the room to the bed and helped him out of his shoes and socks. He tried to fight at first, but after a couple seconds he must have come to the conclusion I wasn't leaving until he was comfortable.

"You don't have to help me." He eventually mumbled, half his face barricaded in between a few pillows. "I know you probably want to send one of the boys in here."

"What I want is a nice big bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream." I confessed with a small smile. "But I doubt they have that here."

He lifted his head slightly, his eyes half open-a result of the pain meds we'd insisted he take twenty minutes ago. "That does sound good."

Knowing I didn't have much time left before he was out for the night, I grabbed the blanket from the end of the bed and brought it over his chest. "I'm sorry, Alex."

"For what?" he grumbled groggily.

I sat at the edge of the bed for a moment, staring down at my trembling hands. "For hating you. Blaming you because I couldn't blame myself. I should have supported you and your dreams. Maybe if. . . maybe if I had none of this would have happened. I spent the last five years blaming you because I was too afraid to admit it was myself I hated."

He reached across the bed and grasped my hand, steadying it, and whispered, "I don't remember what I did, Willow. But I remember enough and I've seen enough to know you aren't to blame. Don't ever think it was all you."

I lowered myself back on to the bed beside him, touching my hand to his cheek, and though his eyes were closing more by the second, I could tell he was fighting to stay awake. "You're going to remember, okay? You're Alexander Cruise. You get what you want and you don't give it up until it's in your grasp."

His eyes fluttered shut as he whispered once more into the quiet, still air between us before he faded into a deep sleep. "But I did give you up. I lost the one thing I loved most in the world. My best friend."

**

I spent over twenty minutes forcing myself out of Xander's bed long after he'd fallen asleep. I had cried silently, finally being close enough to inspect all the wounds, both seen and invisible. When I was finally able to break myself from my spell, I crept out of the room, nodded at the security guard posted in the kitchen area of the suite and headed out the front door. I pressed my back into the wall as soon as I was free of the bedroom, feeling as though the weight had been lifted from my chest momentarily.

"Is he okay?" Mason's voice filled the eerily silent hall. Glancing to my right, I found him perched in his doorway, looking as if he'd slept about as much as I had the last two days. "You were in there a while."

"He's as good as he's going to be." I answered, clenching my hands into fists so he wouldn't see how bad my sleep deprivation and emotions were attacking my body.

Unfortunately, Mason wasn't Ryan or the Knights. He didn't just leave things at good enough. He saw right through my words and his eyes dropped my closed fists. He looked back into his room, then back at me once, before he said, "Spend the night with me."

A laugh escaped me before I could stop it. "I think I'll pass. I'm not looking—"

"Willow I'm not asking you to have sex with me." he looked as if he wanted to roll his eyes. "I just. . . I can't sleep either. Maybe we can wallow in or sleep deprivation together."

I was too exhausted to try and fight him or find an excuse not to agree. I didn't even bother heading to my suite to change my clothes. I crept into the room and to the end of the short hall, sitting on the end of the bed, watching in silence as he slowly drew the doors shut behind him.

"I promise I'm not going to try and make any advances on you." he said, noting my wary look. "I'm the nice guy, remember?"

I deflated, not sure how to respond, and looked down at my tight shirt and jeans. He must have been paying attention to everything, because within seconds I felt a shirt hit me in the side. After pulling my shoes off, I stood and waved a finger in front of him. "Turn around."

He did actually roll his eyes this time. "You act like I've never seen a girl naked before."

"I don't care who you've seen naked, Mason. I don't want you seeing me."

He turned around, pulling his own shirt over his head and stretching. I turned my own back to him and pulled my shirt over my head, then unclipped my bra and slipped his shirt over my head. I waited until I had discarded my other clothes in a pile on top of my shoes to wiggle out of my jeans.

"Can I turn around now?" Mason questioned.

I threw myself back on his bed and nodded, knowing very well he could see me in his peripheral now. "Yes, sir."

I swallowed hard when he climbed into bed without anything but a pair of boxers on, not sure what else I expected. I mean, he was a guy. Didn't most guys sleep in just boxers? But most guys weren't sexy, international heartthrobs that were used to every girl bowing down and begging to be in bed with them.

"I can grab another blanket if it'd make you more comfortable." Mason suggested.

I waved it off and pulled the blanket over me. "It's fine. As long as we're clear there's no funny business happening here."

He laughed so much at that it shook his entire body. "Yes, Willow. No funny business. Promise."

He reached for the lamp and turned the light off. I waited a few seconds before I turned around and moved closer to him. I felt his body tense before relaxing a little when I rested my head against his chest, listening to his quickening heartbeat.

"No funny business." he croaked, a hint of teasing in his voice. Wrapping my arm around his torso, I shut my eyes and fell into the first real night of sleep I had in years.