Something Broken, Bruised and Beautiful

Track #13 - Weak

{13}

It's been a couple months, I wrap my arms around another one,

And you still can't see how much you mean to me,

I wanna talk to you, just like the time I told you I'm not good for you,

'Cause I'm not good for you.

{PLAY}

The last few times this has happened, Stephen has tried to pull himself away. He's probably spent too many years of his life fighting against society's expectations of him and his perception of himself. He's certainly spent too many years waiting for a man who, if anything, seems to accept himself even less than Stephen does.

A real relationship would be impossible, surely. If they're never going to come out, it won't work. And every time Dec leaves, Stephen feels like another piece of him is leaving too. It doesn't feel healthy, putting aside his morals and what he knows is sensible for a single night of what he wishes he could have forever. It's not even about sleeping together, although that has often been the catalyst; more than that nowadays, Stephen simply craves the proximity to Dec. It's like Dec said before they officially stopped seeing each other – when it's possible to forget the rest of the world, it feels right.

When that isn't possible, every shred of good falls away. It's toxic, the stress that comes with that feeling. And slowly Stephen has been trying to accept the truth – maybe he and Dec are toxic. Maybe it's unhealthy, the back and forth that they've tried and failed to stop at least three times in the last few years.

Still, despite all of that, there is a part of him that continues to resist the idea of cutting Dec off completely. Because sometimes it feels like it used to: crisp sheets and hushed conversations that will never leave those same four walls.

He distracts himself from that fantasy with a reality check. Sometimes, their conversations took a turn. Dec talked about trying to have a relationship with a woman, dating to ease the pressure on his shoulders. For years, Stephen has wanted to tell him not to but there has always been too much weight pressing on his chest and he's never found the words.

Maybe one day he wouldn't care what people thought of him. He dreams about that too, creating a situation where he learns to put himself first. In it, he would be able to settle down with Dec in the way he has started to imagine when his mind is allowed to wander in dangerous directions. He wouldn't be scared of the consequences of telling people about Dec.

Rarely – very rarely – it feels like he's already there. He's fed up of living in a lie and even if it involves losing everyone, the idea of just telling the truth and setting himself free is an enticing one. He can picture himself admitting how he feels about Dec. But he doesn't think Dec would ever do the same.

(*~*)

Dec and Ali have been dating for a year now – publicly. Of course, it wasn't a surprise when the news eventually got released – not to Stephen, anyway. He appreciated Dec telling him beforehand – long before it was in the public domain – although it had still taken Ant bringing up that date on Valentines Day for the older man to mention it.

It's the first time Stephen has felt something akin to jealousy. Not that he envies Ali particularly. After all, she's in a relationship with someone who cannot feel the way she clearly does. Stephen wouldn't wish that on anyone. He knows they're friends, her and Dec; they have been for years. He guesses that's what has allowed Dec to get this far with her. He probably does love her – platonically, at least.