steven universe one shots 🤍

sleepless nights (steven angst) ⚠️

⚠️ huge trigger warning ⚠️
graphic descriptions and themes of self harm and depression
please DO NOT read if you know this will upset you

summary: steven has one way to deal with his problems. one that doesn't bother anyone else.

steven rolled over in bed, unable to get comfortable. he cracked his eyes open to peek at his cookie cat alarm clock.

2:47 AM

steven groaned and threw his sheets off of himself in frustration. he knew he wasn't going back to bed, so why try?

he tiredly reached for his phone, mindlessly scrolling through his notifications. his heart dropped at the few texts messages he had received from his beloved connie.

cons ❤️ 12:09 AM
hey stev
i miss you
you know you can talk to me about anything, right?
i'm sorry, it's just i'm worried about you biscuit
i think you've been spreading yourself too thin recently
please,  just don't do anything irrational
for my sake if not your own
i love you
call me when you see this, my ringer is on

steven didn't even realize he was crying until he couldn't make out the words in the messages anymore. fuck. she could read him like an open book. he hated worrying connie, the most out of anyone. she didn't deserve this. she didn't deserve any of this. she could've had a normal life, like she was supposed to. but instead, he had to drag her along on his stupid space adventures. everything that's gone wrong in her life was all his fault.

steven was crying harder than ever. connie's text to wake her forgotten, he turned his phone off and threw it on the bed as he got up. almost on reflex, he reached his arm all the way to the back of his nightstand, grabbing a small ring box.

looking at the small black box in his hands brought more pain than anything he knew he was about to do to himself. he opened it carefully, revealing a small blade from a pencil sharpener. steven gripped it between his fingers tightly, trying to keep it from slipping.

he rolled up his sleeve and dragged the cold metal across his skin. then he did it again. and again. and again. and again. it was funny how it was almost second nature to him. steven had tears streaming down his face and blood pouring out his veins.

he sat there. numb to it all. he's done this countless of times, and he really knows he should stop. but he doesn't. he can't. he... can't. he's... so much weaker than everyone else thinks he is.

i'm a fraud.

steven squeezes his eyes closed, willing himself to not let out a large sob. he couldn't risk alerting the others, he just couldn't. he needs to be strong for everyone. he needs to be their rock. he needs to be who they can depend on. he's steven universe! he could do anything!

steven forces away any other negative thought. what was he thinking? he can't be weak, he can't afford to.

throwing the tiny blade somewhere in the mess that was once his floor, he rolls his sleeve down and falls backwards onto his bed.

laying atop his covers, he stares up at his ceiling. he didn't feel any better from when he woke up. or from when he went to bed. or the day earlier-

steven stopped his thoughts in its tracks. he'll be okay as long as he acts like he is. he has to be.

steven rolls on his side, repeating this mantra.

i'm okay.

i'm okay.

i'm... completely okay.

he's okay. and any little idea in his brain that suggested that maybe he isn't okay was pushed all the way to the back of his brain until it was almost forgotten.

i'm normal. i'm completely fine and normal. every teenager goes through this!

steven grimaced.

yeah. every teenager cuts themself.

steven smacked his forehead. hard. pleading with his brain to let all the bad thoughts go away.

please.

he blinked any tears out of his eyes, screwing them shut. he was so tired. so... tired. exhausted.

of course steven could never get just one moment of quietness in that brain of his. it danced around some of the traumatic events that happened in his life.

floating out in the never ending nothingness that is space with no certainty of making it out alive.

sacrificing himself to homeworld to save his friends.

white diamond extracting his gem in hopes of bringing back her pink diamond.

steven gasped, and shot straight up in bed. he glanced at his clock only to see the daunting bright green numbers read:

4:57 AM

he groaned frustratedly, slapping his hand over is face. he was so tired. he grabbed a small container of melatonin gummies sitting on his nightstand and ate a few. he rarely ever ate these. he hated the fact that he needed help just to go to sleep. it made him feel pathetic. but right now he was desperate.

he knew they weren't fast acting, but he rolled over and immediately felt tired. maybe it was just a placebo effect. he didn't know, and he didn't care.

he slowly drifted off into a dreamless sleep, which he was very thankful for.

A/N: hope you enjoyed! i know steven didn't propose with a ring but i still thought it would be a painful little detail, even if it's inaccurate. part two soon to come :)