Hollow lover

4/12/23

I think I have the worst timing to mankind, but time is what you make it, just as no one can grasp the true meaning of "love".  Love has no meaning, love is a four-letter word that I thought held no value to me, I've never felt loved nor have I said " I love you" without feeling guilty. I know I love you, Cameron. I know we say it all the time and you know that I love you, I love how you care, and listen, your talents, the way you know me, the time you take, and how you always put yourself as a factor. I envied you since I met you. not by the things you have or the things around you but you as a person, I don't think I've ever seen you give up on something or someone till it was hurting you, even then you stay as long as you can, I remember most if not all the things you tell me, even the bad. but none of it changes how I look at you, I know that we haven't been the best to each other but I think that is what makes us so strong also, I don't blame you for leaving but thank you because of you I'm a better person and you have saved my life and woke me up more times then I care too tell, I don't think I can ever love you how I should, I just want to say thank you for all the three years of us has been nothing but more then I could ask for I love you.

    I think the end of the world is here, as the water pulls me more the deeper it gets the darker it gets the harder it is to breathe but the peace of the silence calls me, alone. Alone is all I feel I'm safe yet the most dangerous person there is, is me. even around all the people I love I'm lost, I feel as if I'm a stranger in my own home. Home? I never had one my whole life I had to fight but no one to stop me no one saved me, They say my body was my choice but after a whole life of drugs and violence I never had a choice, my home has been intruded upon before the walls could finish building, I don't feel human but as a doormat but as long as your feet are clean it's ok too walk all over me. "Speak up" or "ask for help" who do I go to, Dad? no he's to busy for you Skyler drugs and jail are way more important. One last hit left you crying at a dance with a man that hurt you, but in the back ground the slow songs plays and the dads who care bout their daughters dance the least the man can do is dance but NOOO that hit is more important then how ever the fuck you feel , the pitiful tears you cry for a man that was never there but was replaced with a monster, but who are you to say what he's done to you his hands beat you and his words leave you hyperventilating, the hands you watched made your mother bleed cry and turn purple, the same hands who cares for your brother and lift him high. who else mom? The woman who sold you cause she didn't want you, the person who neglects you, but oh lets feel "bad" for Skyler because she has it bad she falls perfectly on the shit scale no parents. A dad that found a high and is now dead but you still manage to love, and an emotionally absent mom who sees you as a maid and check. so many people take from you. You couldn't even keep your body yours. You can't focus now look at you failing cause you see no reason not to drown, your silence is uncomfortable and your fucken weird the way you look is revolting, you work till you collapse and pick up too just fall, but we all have shit too deal with so suck it up. Loud noise and yelling scare you so your lost in the sea. you drown yourself so you don't have too see the sky, the sky is what you really are, so just get up