HURT VIRGIN

Part 1

If someone ripped me apart, they'd find a bleeding heart and tears suppressed.
I felt the urge to bitterly cry. It hadn't been easy, but I needed money, I needed food, I needed rent for the small office I had hired.

Lost in my world, I thought of a way to make more money. I browsed through Google as usual then decided to leave my office.
It was a hot Sunday afternoon when I crossed his path. Paul, a 5'6 dark man with a pot belly approached me confidently.
"Hi pretty girl, you have so beautiful legs, can I get to know you?" he asked.
He looked rich. I paused for a second because I had only 20shillings with me for my fare to my grandma's shop and I was hungry, stressed and needed money to pay my bills.

" I'm Tracy, "I replied shyly.
After exchanging phone numbers, his brother's car pulled up just next to us and he urged me to join them. They were going to have lunch, specifically fish, by the shores of Lake Victoria.
I was hungry, very hungry.
Usually, my meals consisted of half a cup of milk tea and a few slices of bread when I woke up at 3am for breakfast. I'd skip lunch and have supper which was mostly ugali and kales. I had lost weight from mal nutrition but still managed to keep my figure eight, thin waist and bulging hips typical for an African.

I didn't like the hotel they took me to, by the lake. Other men had taken me to far better hotels and I occasionally frequented far better restaurants in town. These men were even looking for whores to spend the afternoon with. I wasn't a loose woman but I had an excuse;i had my periods.
Paul had started showing me signs of wanting to take me to bed. I was beyond disgusted but kept my cool.
As we left the lakeside, I remember telling myself that Ray, my previous boyfriend and great friend currently, would never come by the lake to look for women to sleep with.

I loved Ray so much. I still kept the hope in my heart that one day we will be together and maybe even get married and have our own family.
Judging from my female instincts, how he reacted whenever we crossed each others' paths from work or when I visited his office, I knew that he still loved me. The way he looked at me, the way he pressed against my body whenever we hugged, making sure my breasts were packed against the firm of his chest, the way he held my hand as we greeted each other on such occasions... I knew he loved me.
It was hard for us to express our feelings about each other to each other.

He had always been afraid to show me openly. I was also afraid of making the first move always, lest he lost interest...
I missed him, I missed Ray so much. I thought about him almost daily, I knew he thought about me too.

Paul's brother drove from the lakeside to a much better place, the Milimani resort, it was way better than the previous hotel though still under construction. Upon parking the car, we walked down to the shore of the lake Victoria and sat feeling the cold breeze in the hot afternoon sun. It felt good. It felt even better watching the small waves play, it brought back sweet memories of our stay in Rusinga Island last year when we had gone for a team building activity with the organisation I used to work with.

I felt a deep longing to go back to Rusinga Island, I missed my hotel room, I missed the boat rides, bird viewing and ferry trips. I missed the long journey. I missed my colleagues who we'd gone together with to Rusinga.
Silently, I promised myself to go back to Rusinga if God wills, for my birthday.

Paul came and sat very close beside me and started touching me. He whispered something on my ear, blowing warm air on my neck. He was seducing me but I wasn't going to give in.
After they finished their drinks, we left for town and I went to my grandma's shop.

For a very long time, I had wanted to quit working with her. I was frequently bullied. I hated it whenever she shouted at or commanded me. I hated it that her workers gossiped me... and above all, I hated walking into her shop because there was where most of my relatives dropped by to gossip. Currently, I was the topic of gossip but held my head high whenever I walked passed them.

I felt so lonely when I walked into that shop. After waving at the people inside, I walked straight past them to my little corner of the room. I put my bag on the table, proceeded to sit on then bales of clothes. With a hunched back, I slowly slipped back to my depression. Occasionally, a tear dropped down my cheeks. I really wanted to talk to someone about everything, I wanted to give up, but held it together for myself. I believed that this hard time would pass. When customers filled the room, I walked out to attend to one or two. I was so unhappy. I occasionally looked at the big cars passing by and my lips would moved to say, 'I'll soon drive a big machine.'
The idea of me driving my own machine excited me. I wanted so badly to be independent. I wanted so badly to move out of my parent's house. When I thought of my family, my heart was heavy. I wanted to cry, I would weep almost every night in the dark of the room I slept in. I was always the black sheep of that house.
Almost no one was talking to me. I only talked to my brother when he called me to have my supper and that was it.
My younger sister constantly picked quarrels with me.