I know you don't care

running on fumes

I lay on my bed alone staring at my TV. Some random gameplay video is on but I'm not paying attention to what the person is saying anyway. I have now found out that the person who was calling me was both Liam & Henry. They were gonna invite me to Liam's house for a sleepover. I wish I hadn't ignored them. With Jake talking to the music club and Zoey being busy doing whatever she's doing I am alone. I never liked being left to my own devices, It always ended horribly. To be honest, even if I did go to the sleepover I would have just got in the way. I always do. I don't think I could take a whole night of watching them snicker at their inside jokes and letting out a fake chuckle so I can pretend to understand what's going on. Liam and Henry might as well be one word at this point because it's never just Liam or just Henry. They are like a package. they are always together. Oh to have a friendship like that. To have little jokes and always find each other funny, even when it isn't even that funny at all. To have little sleepovers and be able to be with each other all the time but ik that will never happen. Every time I get close with someone they get sick of me. It always happens. No matter how careful I am they always wedge their way into my heart. Then they rip it to shreds. I want my friends back. I want my life back. I want myself back.

It had started raining about half an hour ago. The droplets patter against my window as I check my Instagram. As I looked through some posts I noticed something. A photo of the music...club including Jake. They are all sitting in an empty carpeted room. Hailey is taking the phone as the others are huddled together posing in the background. Fuck those guys. As I stare at Jake kneeling on the floor with that same, perfect golden smile a rage I can't describe boils within me. Not only that but sadness as well. What would you call that? jealousy grief? How would I grieve over someone alive? Why? Why are they doing this to me? Is this the world punishing me for being a shit person? It feels like I've been kicked in the stomach or something. He's happier. I can see it in his eyes. Those stupid, endless, gorgeous eyes. At times like this, I just try to remember he's only there to impress Daisy. He's gonna leave the club after the competition. It's fine. Everything is fine. No matter how much I tell myself the energy of my burning rage pulses within me. Like the tap of my fingertips could shock someone by the touch. I look out the window at the rain outside. It's chucking it down out there. Fuck it. I grab my trainers and slip them on, leaving the laces untied because I can't be bothered to tie something that's probably gonna come undone in about 2 minutes. 3 if I'm lucky. Time for a run.

Maybe if I go far enough I'll see what being a teenager is supposed to be like. Having fun and being happy, instead of shaking hands with the shadows and forever smelling the scent of fire and ash.

Jesus christ I have not posted in ages. Umm, so I got lazy after ep 11 because season 2 ofc but yeah. See ya 😽