On the king's command

Big confusion

The next evening was introduced with the following words of king Thranduil, after he had requested Bard in his chambers again and made him sit into the now familiar armchair again.

"Would you like to marry me?"

At first Bard didn't hear the question, or he didn't realise its meaning. But as it dawned on him, he slowly and with wide eyes turned in his seat to stare at Thranduil.

"What?!"

"I hope I said it right, it was a long time since I did last", the elf pondered. 

"Marry you?!", Bard exclaimed. "Why marry you? Why would I do that?!"

"Don't you want to ... what is the word?", Thranduil said, irritated at himself for not knowing the exact translation. "What do you say when two people bond? I mean, bond in body and mind. We've already done the mind bonding."

Bard just stared at him perplexed. What was the elf talking about? 

"Wait, now I know! You like to call it "love", I believe, or "sex"? I'm not so sure."

Suddenly it clicked in Bard's brain. Thranduil was talking about sex. 

"You want to have sex with me?", Bard questioned.

"If that's what you want to call it, then yes. But we'd have to announce our marriage, of course. A king cannot marry without telling his subjects."

"But we're not married? What are you talking about?", the man exclaimed furiously. This whole talk about marriage made him angry, because he didn't understand a thing.

"Of course we'd be married!", the elf king shot back, now slightly irritated too. "If we bond in mind, which we already have, and bond in body also, then we're married!"

"So you mean you are married to all people you've had sex with?", Bard wanted to know, still a bit worked up.

"Yes!", Thranduil stated firmly. 

"Does that mean you are married to hundreds of people or haven't you had sex since your wife died?", the king of Dale asked, wondering if that maybe was a bit rude.

"Well, of course I haven't married since. That's why I asked you! Wait, so how many people are you married to?"

"I'm not married ... well ... I wouldn't say", Bard stammered. He was mighty confused.

"Are you suggesting you have bodily bonded with multiple people??", the elf king burst out. His relaxed posture had long since gone and was replaced by a very tense elf, sitting with his hands on his knees and desperately waiting for an answer.

"Well ... yes."

It was silent. Thranduil stared at Bard. Bard stared back. A piece of wood fell to ashes in the fireplace.

Suddenly the tension vanished and a smirk grew on Thranduil's face.

"Then that means ... if you already have various husbands or wives, why not one more?"

Outside, the wind howled loudly, which added to the cozy atmosphere in the room. An owl shouted somewhere.

"Maybe if you actually propose nicely, then I will consider your offer", Bard grinned. 

And so it was that a few minutes later he was sitting in Thranduil's lap, busy with unbuttoning the elf's tunic, which really had an annoying lot of buttons in the back, while being engaged in a passionate kiss. He really couldn't have imagined a better way to spend the evening.