Only Fire

Chapter 15

Worry was a meaningless emotion, like waiting for a bridge to collapse when it may never happen. Therefore, you'll never cross the raging river to experience the beauty that awaits on the other side.

I've felt this way time and time again. It courses through my veins the same as my fire, eating away at my soul, consuming every thought. As an immortal, why would I let a human emotion like worry suck away any thrill I breathed in through these fiery lungs of mine? One can only assume I was just made different in this life. An emotional firebird. I chuckled at the thought. If there was such a thing, I would be the first.

Now that Sybil was on board, I thought I could worry less. My rebirth was one step closer. I would no longer have to ride this roller coaster of mortal emotions. I could leave behind these confusing thoughts of love or whatever brain chemical Ella claimed it was. 

But as I thought about leaving this life, I would leave behind the best group of immortals I had ever known. Warmth dripped down my face at the thought. I quickly wiped it away with the tips of my fingers, tired of this lava dripping uncontrollably from the tiny holes in the corner of my eyes.

The sun was setting on another day, and only one thing was going to make me feel better. I needed to fly, to feel alive. To feel free from this human encasement that enclosed the true me. 

The human body was an entrapment for immortals. Something we wore to fit into society. I've read books where humans conform to fit in, changing their personalities, their appearance. Anything they could do to attract others of their kind so they wouldn't be lonely. Maybe we weren't so different after all.

The true me was written on combustible substances hidden within the walls of a dilapidated shack. My friends were the only ones that came close to knowing the true me. They knew some of my most secretive thoughts but the dangerous ones, never. It was best to keep those where I could easily set them on fire.

This was the last time I would see the wildflowers before the wintery weather stole them away. Something urged me to say goodbye and this goodbye would possibly be forever. I walked further down the dirt path closer to the wildflowers but far enough that when I combusted, I would cause them no damage.

Iciness was a killer. The world died in the winter and as the bitter wind kissed my face; I knew I should run. Run far and fast, but the icy kiss only reminded me of an uncontrollable magnetic force that kept pulling me back to a place that could only be expressed as home.

My steps were high as I marched through the tall grass. Each crunchy blade of grass snapped, penetrating my ear drum as they broke with each downward plunge of my foot. The wind had a bitter bite to it as the breeze blasted by. I had to be quick. My body couldn't bear this cold.

After clearing the area, I hung my clothes on a tree branch a little way from the trail and ran with the speed of a predator who had just spotted their prey. My fire inexorably rose to course its way from my feet to my head till the explosion burst through the forest. Reds and oranges melted into the colors of the setting sun. A fiery bird burst from the fireball. The enchanted secret.

The only time I possessed grace and beauty was in phoenix form. Too majestic for the forest, too emotional for a firebird. Though firebirds belonged nowhere, I never belonged with the firebirds. Maybe my next life would be different and fitting in would not be such a struggle.

Invisible ice cycles clung to my wings, cutting my flight short. I wrapped back up in my clothes before the chilly air could damage my skin and made my way toward the wildflowers.

I stood amongst the dying beauties as they took their last breaths. Though their colors were fading, their vibrance still shone as they danced in the wintery air. They refused to give up. Happiness radiated throughout their stiff and brittle bodies. As I stared at them, knowing they would die and come back with no recollection that they had ever brought me this much happiness, something in me changed. Maybe I could be happy with my dying breath, too. Maybe I should not give up.