I love you, truly. (male reader)

sanemi (pt. 1)

It is not a shocker that sanemi isn't good at showing love. He struggles to find words or actions that express his feelings for you, so he often just sits there and stares. It is as if his brain and body fail to function when you are around. He stares at you when you speak, often forgetting to reply, he stares at you when you work, when you eat and even when you just sit and do nothing. It is quite absurd when you think about it, but it is also quite absurd that sanemi feels love in the first place, or the fact that he still can't express his love even a year into your relationship. Sanemi's existence had always been about surviving this horrible world for him, and he never thought he would get the chance to feel anything other than anger. The whole concept of him not knowing how to show love naturally leads to you not knowing how to show him love either. You don't know what he appreciates and what makes him feel appreciated, so you sometimes stare as well. In the end it just becomes a staring match for no apparent reason. That made you decide to go on a small mission to find sanemi's love language.

Words of affirmation.

You chose words of affirmation first. It was the most logical route since he seems incapable of saying anything nice. You thought that it would be a good plot twist, or even hypocritical, if sanemi felt appreciated through words of affirmation. You found the opportunity to give a compliment, and that opportunity came on a mission you had together. There wasn't much progress with locating the upper moons, so you both went on patrol around a small town. You walked beside each other as the sun was slowly approaching the horizon, and the townspeople were walking home from their jobs. You haven't found any demons, and spent almost the entire day holding conversations with the townspeople about a potential demon roaming around during the night. Sanemi did not engage much in conversation, but you noticed how he was listening, and occasionally giving you his blank stare. The townspeople didn't seem to recall anyone mysteriously dying or disappearing, so you quickly ruled out the chance of finding a demon. Sanemi wanted to move on after coming to that conclusion, getting irritated at having his time wasted, but you suggested just walking around and actually enjoying the calm day. You didn't often get days off, and you wanted to spend that time with your lover while not having to worry about getting hurt by demons. So you strolled around, stopping at a few shops and you even bought a few presents to give to the other hashiras. Sanemi mostly stayed silent, since he didn't want to complain when you seemed so peaceful.

"you bored 'nemi?" you asked when he had been silent for you considered to be too long. Sanemi turned his head towards you to acknowledge your question and simply shrugged.

"not really, would much rather actually finding some demons though"

"You don't think about anything except demons do you?" you joked as another small shop caught your eye. Sanemi had to stop himself from expressing that he also thought about you too. As much as he wished to be only thinking about killing demons, he couldn't seem to get you out of his head. He physically cringed while thinking about that, but you didn't notice as you approached the shop and started a conversation with the owner. You seemed to get along with everyone, and sanemi would never have pictured you being capable of killing if you weren't already a hashira. Although sanemi did notice how your eyes always looked sad when killing the demons, which he couldn't understand. Demons have no feelings, they simply want to kill. They kill your loved ones with no regard to anyone's love, so how could you find empathy for them? How could you feel for demons despite their actions? How are you capable of still killing them even though you have empathy for them? Sanemi doesn't understand you, and part of him never wants to understand you. Because there is a beauty to your killing. There is beauty in how complex your emotions can become, and how you can recognise your own empathy to demons who seem to have none. Sanemi loves a part of you that he does not understand, and that in many ways shows the complexity of his own emotions.

The sky slowly became dark, and you two decided to return to the estate since there were no signs of demons having been there. As you walked along the narrow road through the forest leading you back to the estate, you remembered your own little mission. You gaze up at the sky, trying to think of a compliment to give sanemi. The moon catches your eye and you stop in your tracks. The moon was so big it almost took up the whole sky, and you wondered how that could be possible. It stared back at the earth, offering its light and beauty, and you wished you could thank it somehow. You felt as if the moon was in the same situation as you and sanemi. The moon shows its love to the earth with its light, yet the earth seems to not know how to show the same love back. So the earth simply stares.

"m/n" sanemi said, getting your attention. His voice was soft and gentle, almost in a whisper. It was as if he didn't want to disturb your thoughts.

"sanemi" you said back, in the same gentle voice. Sanemi stayed silent, again stuck in thoughts he cannot bring himself to express to you. But you somehow could understand each other. Your eyes being lit by the moon spoke in every language you didn't know, yet could somehow understand.

"I really enjoyed your company today, sanemi. I wish we could have more peaceful days like this together." you said, breaking the conversation held by your eyes. You closed the gap between you and sanemi with a few determined steps and put your hand behind his head. Sanemi remained silent and unmoving, neither leaning in or backing away from your touch. You gave him a quick kiss on his forehead.

"I don't say it enough, but i love you" you said, lips still against his forehead. You felt sanemi inhale sharply under you. He gave you a small hum and you let go. Sanemi had a small content smile on his lips, which let you know that he appreciated you. He rarely said I love you back, but you understood. You always understood.

"i" sanemi started, pausing. "love you too" he sighed contently, the words almost a whisper. He felt like the words didn't hold enough weight to them, despite him having never said those words to anyone in a romantic sense before. But sanemi was always either all in or all out, so it was to some extent understandable.

You made your way back to the estate after that in complete silence. The crickets sang and the moon shone, and you felt like you came one step closer to actually expressing your feelings to sanemi beyond the simple 'i like yous'. Even though he seemed to appreciate words of affirmation, you wanted to also try the other love languages. You want to show sanemi your love in as many ways as possible, and let him know that he is also allowed to try things with you. You want to show him that it should never be about fear, and always be about love.