Remaining Intact

Chapter 4

                                                                 TW: Discussion of sexual assault

            "What's wrong?" Intak asked as he watched Camila stir her strawberry smoothie with her straw.

"I just haven't been myself the past few days," Camila admitted.

"Well, then who have you been?" he asked with a grin that vanished when he saw Camila's downcast face.

She was quiet for a moment before asking, "Do you ever feel like there's more than one person inside you?"

"How so?" Intak probed.

"I mean, do you ever feel that you want to respond to a situation in one way, but that someone inside you hijacks you, and you end up responding in a way you never intended?" she clarified.

"I'm not really sure," Intak replied. "I feel like, most of the time, I respond the way I want to."

"Well, maybe your personality is more integrated than mine," Camila bemoaned. "My mom used to say that often, when a trauma occurs, people get stuck in that place. So, if you had a trauma at ages 5 and 10, you would have two places where you were stuck. So, you might have two other 'yous' inside besides your grown-up self," she explained.

"Can that really happen?" Intak questioned. "I mean, if that were the case, wouldn't most people be walking around with several people inside?"

"Exactly!" Camila exclaimed. "It's called 'arrested development', and then I guess the person separates that other little person from their main personality, and you end up with a small village of people inside, clamoring for attention," she said, still stirring her smoothie instead of drinking it.

"So, you think that's what's happening to you?" Intak asked, intrigued, but slightly afraid as well.

"I don't even know anymore," Camila sighed. "I just had this really hard conversation with Jae-Sung sunbae, and I'm having trouble moving past it," she admitted. "I keep feeling like I want to cry. I feel really small, like a little kid inside when I'm around him now."

"What did he do to you?!" Intak said, rather too loudly. He quieted his voice when he realized that the other patrons of the café were staring at them. "What did he do to you?" he whispered.

"It's not like he really did anything in particular. He was just being critical of me, and for some reason, I felt like I was being scolded by a parent or something," Camila explained.

"Was it about me?" Intak asked perceptively.

Camila nodded reluctantly. "I knew that guy didn't like me," he said. "You wanna know what I think?" he asked rhetorically. Not awaiting an answer, he continued, "I think he has the hots for you, and he's jealous as hell. And instead of just being a man and admitting it, he's trying to make you feel unsteady. He enjoys that relationship where he's the sunbae and you are the helpless child."

"No, I don't think he would do it on purpose," Camila defended.

"You give the guy a lot of credit," Intak observed. When Camila didn't' respond, Intak persisted. "Here's what I don't get," he said. "If taekwondo is about defending yourself and others who are weaker, wouldn't Jae-Sung want you to be as independent as possible? I mean, why is he setting up this situation in which you need him to protect you?"

"I don't know," Camila sighed. "Maybe we should talk about something else," she concluded. Intak stood and came to her side of the booth and slipped in beside her. He put his arm around her and let her rest her head on his chest. She listened to his heart like an infant listens to her mother's heart. She felt her body release its tension. Intak stroked her smooth, brown hair.

"I really think you can do anything you set your mind to," he whispered. "You're stronger than you know," he assured her.

Camila sighed. "This is nice, but it's almost time for me to be back at the dojang," she said reluctantly.

"Let me drop you off," Intak said suddenly, pleased at the opportunity to stare down Jae-Sung.

"Don't you think that would just being rattling the lion's cage?" she asked.

"So, what if it is?" Intak asked confidently. "Maybe the lion needs to have his cage rattled a bit," he surmised.

As they entered the dojang, they saw that most of the other students had already arrived. Jae-Sung glared at Intak from across the room. Suddenly, all the strength Camila had felt earlier in Intak's arms had vanished. She now felt little again and utterly unequipped to take on her opponents.

Intak stayed and watched as the group did their stretching and the recitation of the core tenets of taekwondo. Camila wondered if he planned to observe the whole class. For some reason, his presence didn't unnerve her. It seemed to give her a little shred of courage she thought she lacked. Jae-Sung sunbae called Camila and Man-Shik to spar again. As Camila faced her much larger opponent, she began to feel herself physically tucking her body in, making herself smaller.

Jae-Sung came up behind her and placed a firm hand on her back, straightening her stance. "We are not possums that play dead when we are threatened," he said rather loudly. "We are like porcupines that spread their spines out to look bigger. But it's not all a show," he explained. "Porcupines have real power in those spines to not only look bigger, but to actually protect themselves."

As Man-Shik and Camila began to spar, Jae-Sung would call out instructions. "Relax between strikes, Man-Shik!" he yelled. When Man-Shik made contact with Camila and won a point, Jae-Sung called out, "Camila, concentration, equilibrium, breath control! Where's your head today?" he scolded. She shook her body to try to shake off Man-Shik's point. She raised her stance up again and kicked toward Man-Shik's chest, but he easily blocked the kick and did one of his own, landing it on the base of Camila's neck.

"Why was your neck within striking distance?" Jae-Sung sunbae demanded to know. "Your leg was the striking limb. The striking limb is forward, and everything else is as far back as possible. Bring your whole mass to bear on a tiny target, Camila. And never give him the chance to strike your non-striking limbs. Come on!" he scolded. "Okay, start again," he yelled, and the pair sprung back into action.

Camila landed one punch to Man-Shik's solar plexus which seemed to knock the air out of him, but he quickly recovered and swept her leg, causing her to fall. Man-Shik ended up on top of her, holding her hands down to the padded floor. He was breathing heavily from their fight. He held her in that position, not due to malice, but simply because he was waiting for Jae-Sung to call the match. As Camila lay there with Man-Shik holding her arms down, she had a flashback to that night at the barn party when two older boys had followed her out of the barn and into the moonlit forest. Her breath began to come in gasps as tears flowed from her eyes. Stunned, Man-Shik stood and held his hand down to her to help her up, but she didn't even see his hand. Her mind was thousands of miles away. Suddenly, Intak ran for her and scooped up her limp form into his arms.

"What do you think you're doing?" Jae-Sung demanded. "This is my class! Camila doesn't need to be coddled. She needs corrected," he insisted.

"You know nothing about what she needs," Intak replied as he glared at Jae-Sung.

"I know a lot more than you think I do," he said enigmatically, which made Intak wonder what he was talking about.