underneath the snowy tree

Waking up to the snow trickling down past the window was your favourite. You would lay in bed for hours and watch it fall. Count each and every snowflake while I made your morning coffee.

But now the bedroom is stained with your shadow and the absence of your light leaves the room in complete and utter darkness.

I walk over to the closet to pick my outfit; the smell of your perfume still lingers in these walls.

This house was once so alive, filled with an abundance of joy. Now there is nothing, no life, no joy.

I miss the way you'd lighten every room, no matter how dark. The way you made everything so fun.

I still remember our first date, we went to the beach, it was overcast and freezing cold. We still ended up going in the water, even if it was just for a minute.

But you kept me warm. I don't think I've ever smiled as much as I did on that day. Your laugh still spirals around my head like a broken record.

Walking into the kitchen I still see you cooking our favourite food; nothing beats your homemade lasagne.

You would sing the same songs every time you cooked. You had your own cute little traditions. You hated when I was in the kitchen when you were cooking, it was adorable.

Then we had the cakes we'd bake, our countless number of food fights. The first cake we ever made was such a mess, we ended up smearing icing all over each other and somehow our cake managed to be on every wall in the room. We put it in containers and acted like we'd eat it; we both knew we weren't going to.

Or when I wanted to impress your family, so I came over and baked the best pasta bake on earth. It was gone in a matter of seconds.

I miss creating a mess and dancing around to cute songs like complete fools in love.

Now our kitchen is filled with the silence of singing voices and dirty takeaway containers. It hasn't been used since you left us. I can't be in here anymore, every room covered with memories of you.

The living room was our favourite. It reminds me of our sleepovers as teenagers. We hadn't been together for weeks and it was your birthday. I built us a massive cubby house to sleep in. The room was filled with cute little fairy lights that painted the sheets like a beautiful night sky, as if we were cuddling under the stars. I held you so, so, close.

You were a twilight addict, I hated the series, but now I've seen all of them a million times. Oh, what I'd give to watch them with you once more.

I looked out the window to the car, thinking of all our adventures. You loved travelling, you felt so free. You especially loved the beach, I always believed it was because that's where our first date was.

Your guitar is still in the corner of the room. You played it so beautifully and had an amazing voice. You were too shy to ever sing for anyone though, I was lucky.

Singing wasn't the only thing you were insecure about; you couldn't see just how beautiful you were. Which baffled me because I'd never seen someone as gorgeous as you were. I always thought that if you saw yourself through my eyes, even for just a second, you'd never be insecure again.

A movie trailer started playing on the tv, you loved going out on cute movie dates. You kept all of the tickets and scrapbooked them for a Christmas present. It was the best present I had ever received. I look through that book every day. You wrote down song lyrics that reminded you of me, I didn't think I'd ever be such a Taylor Swift fan.

I'm still going on our morning walk, even without you here. We would follow the snowy path behind our house, sometimes the walk would take hours depending on how deep the snow was. It was always the best part of the day. You and I out there in nature, free. Though as we got older the track got more difficult.

We always wanted to be those two old people going on walks in matching outfits, we both thought it was adorable. We even made customised shirts for each other, mine still hangs in the closet.

Today's walk is a struggle, it took forever, the snow is thick, and I never sleep well. I constantly have no energy.

I finally made it to our tree, it had taken me two hours. We would always sit under the tree and drink hot coffee from our thermos'.

I could feel your presence. It felt like you were here holding my hand. There was no better place on earth.

50 years ago today, I proposed to you here, and you said yes. It was one of the best days of my life, we spent the whole day here. Made snow angels, performed a concert for the wilderness, carved our names into the tree, we even had a nap.

My heart hurts. I start to count all the snowflakes falling down, you had memorised all the different types. You'd always tell me them because I'd forget.

I feel dizzy. The tree sheltered us from all the heavy snow, made us feel safe. I grabbed our old speaker from my bag and put on some music.

I need to lie down. I've only listened to one song since you passed. You're Gonna Live Forever In Me by John Mayer, it plays aloud as I lay under the tree. I can barely keep my eyes open.

My body is aching. I hear your voice. Your hand starts pulling me up. Time for one last dance. When the song finishes, I fall down into the snow, right next to you.

It's dark. I had slept all day, it's only nine pm. It's freezing.

The stars are beautiful tonight. You always said you loved the stars; I grew to love them too. Funny how they shine brighter now that you're amongst them.