Little Talks

31 March 2013

My love, my dear, my sweetest, 

I feel certain that I am going mad again, and I feel as if I can not bear to go through another one of those terrible times without you. 

I know I won't recover easily this time. 

I've begun to hear the voices again, and they're telling me to do terrible things, some of which seem pleasing to my distressed mind. 

I can't concentrate with these voices constantly chanting things that may seem likke nonsense to others, but they make complete sense to me. 

They're telling me terrible, terrible things, my dear, and I have no way out of here without you. 

I've decided to do what seems like the best thing to do in this situation, and it is also the reason behind this final note you'll never get. 

You have given me the greatest possible happiness a man could ever come across, darling, and you have been in every way and incredible friend, partner, love, as well as a help to me. 

I know that you became greatly unhappy when my terrible maddening disease came along, and I'd like to apologize for all the stress, pain, tears and nightmares that I've caused over the course of the last couple of months. 

But I can't fight any longer; the doctors and the therapists are telling me to hold on, but the voices are saying otherwise, and my mind is simply feeding off of the voices at this point - I can't do this for much longer. 

I know that I have caused havock in my life, and that you left because you would be better off without me - I know that now. 

And you will with I know. 

You see, I can't even write properly because the voices are going mad inside my mind; I can't even read, everything seems blurry. 

What I'm trying to say is that all the happiness I've come across my life has happened in this last month of March, and I owe it all to you. 

You have been so patient with me and so loving, but even the kindest people have their limits, and yours was when my madness had come back yet again. 

If I could give anyone my life for saving me, I would give it to you - because you saved me, and that's what I want to tell you. 

At this moment, everything has gone from me and the feeling of numbness is taking over my body from the pills I've taken, and there's nothing else I can think of other than the voices embedded in my head and your sweet goodness. 

I can't go on living with myself knowing that I was the reason for spoiling your life, and I couldn't bear coming across another good person and doing the same to them. 

My love, I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.

Darling, I must go now, the voices are getting louder and louder - I believe they're calling me.

Goodbye, my beloved.