Folie à Deux » Josh Dun

eight- what a catch, donnie

For when you're finally mine-

I love you. I'm going to say that to you a lot, but never underestimate me for a second. I truly mean it when I say it. Whether it's to you when you're thousands of miles from me and I just yell it whilst I'm on stage, or if I'm holding you and I simply whisper it in your ear, I mean it.

I love you, Caitlin Marie. More than you know.

-Josh

Josh was back with me, and I couldn't be happier.

But something inside me was paining me, the doubt that constantly nagged me on a day to day basis. It was the idea of him not wanting to truly be with me, him forcing himself through every day.

I completely blocked myself off. I spaced myself from my mother, Josh, Tyler, Jenna, anyone of whom attempted to contact me. I went back to what I used to be like- completely silent.

I had no urge to speak, move, eat or even exist. My mother would come in; try to talk to me, get me moving, but I wouldn't have it. I was in a state of void- nothing was coming together in my mind, and I didn't want to exist, I just wanted to float.

Josh came over after two days of me not replying to him. I think he was trying to converse with me, but no words were able to escape my mouth.

"Caitlin. Please.", Josh practically begged, but I willed myself not to listen. I willed myself to attempt in blocking out the man I had fallen for so fast for.

"Caitlin, talk to me, face me, something. Anything.", Josh rested his hand on my shoulder as I had my back facing him. I shut my eyes, not wanting to hear him, or know he was there.

"I love you, Caitlin. And I know in your mind you're probably convincing yourself otherwise, but I do. I love and care for you."

He just pities you. They all do.

Josh's words would've normally been comforting, but today they did nothing but hurt, like little knives penetrating my skin.

"I'm going to stay here; I don't trust you on your own. I'll go home and get some spare clothes.", Josh said, before I felt the bed lift and his footsteps were barely audible on the carpet leaving my room.

I took this as an opportunity to reach behind me and grab my headphones. I plugged them into my charging phone, and found my way into my sad music playlist that always kept open arms for me. The first song to come on was What a Catch, Donnie. I almost let out a laugh at the irony.

I got through about three songs of the playlist before Josh made his way back home. I heard a muffled greeting from my mother to Josh, and another muffled one back. It was followed by footsteps, and my bedroom door opening then closing.

"I'm back.", He simply replied. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill. His voice was hurting, and I knew I had caused it.

You keep hurting people. Nice job.

Josh instantly put his bag down and lay next to me, and I felt his arm curl around my waist.

"What are you listening to?" He asked, and as though he knew I wasn't going to answer, he took the earbud that wasn't currently pressed into my ear and put it in his. I almost felt the warmth coming off his smile as he heard Car Radio playing.

"Good choice. That band, Thirty-Eight Helicopter Drivers, is probably one of my favourites.", He joked, and it took all my strength to hold back a smile. Then I realised the pain I caused him yet again, and I was able to stop myself.

"Your mum's worried about you. She said when I walked in 'I hope you can get her to talk. Or just to respond by moving a finger, anything.'", Josh told me.

"Tyler and Jenna are too. They do care about you, even if you've only known each other for a short period of time.", He continued, but the pool of guilt in my chest just grew larger with each word he said.

"You just need to tell me you're okay. Or why you're not.", He whispered, taking my hand.

I couldn't hold it in anymore. I squeezed his hand, before bursting into a huge round of sobs.

Josh turned me over, pulling my headphones out of my ears. He simply kept my head pressed into his chest, holding me so tightly it was as though I would burst into flames if I were let go.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here.", He reassured me. I sobbed harder, gasping for air.

"Just breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth.", He repeated the advice he'd given me last time I had a breakdown, and I did as ordered. Loud gasps came out each time I exhaled.

"I hate myself, Josh." I simply managed to spit out before the round of tears came again.

"Hey, that's not a good way to think. I know how hard it is in your head right now- shared psychosis, remember? But just know I'm here. I love you." He informed me.

"Why do you put up with me?" I whispered as the sobs calmed down.

"Because I do. I love you like the stars love the night sky, like the fish love the ocean. I love you more than Tyler loves his ukulele." He told me, and I let out a shaky, uncertain laugh.

"Don't think that's possible, Joshua." I said, and he laughed.

"But seriously, you're the light of my life, Ms Flack. And I truly do love you with every inch of my being. From the tips of my hair, to the ends of my toes. I love you." He reassured me.

"What would I do without you, Josh?" I asked, and looked up at him.

"I don't want to know, Caitlin." He said, before softly leaning in and pecking my lips, making my smile grow.

For when Blurryface is released-

We Don't Believe What's On TV is about you.

-Josh