The Center of Sound

~Final Pt. 1~

"Lucy. Naekkeo, please say something."

I can't.

"Did...Did I make the wrong choice? I thought you wanted this. I thought—"

"Yes. I mean no you didn't make the wrong choice and yes this is what I want. I'm just surprised. I wasn't expecting...that."

We're curled up together in his bed. It's very late and our flight to Tokyo leaves very early. We really need sleep. But first, we have unfinished 'important business.'

"Um," he stammers. "Good surprised?" He looks so nervous. Guilt settles in my stomach and I feel slightly sick.

The silence in the Executive Board room had been deafening and far more eyes settled on me than should have. Those who obviously knew about my relationship with Namjoon and quite a few who didn't, who maybe guessed or wondered. It was unsettling and I felt suddenly exposed. Never in a million years had I expected to be in the room when Namjoon approached the Board about changing his relationship status officially and requesting security. I have no chill. No poker face. I could have messed it up a dozen different ways. It was a bold move. In his eyes, probably a grand romantic gesture. I wasn't prepared. And I hate myself a bit for it. Because regardless of the emotional spiral, I want this. I just didn't anticipate how scary it would be when it finally happened. I hate being scared. It's far easier to be angry or frustrated or seethe silently than allow fear to take over. Because fear is a trigger. Fear makes me feel out of control. And I don't want to be that person. I want to be brave and strong and resilient. The person Namjoon thinks I am. But sometimes it's still just...hard.

I wasn't mentioned by name. And no one asked. Given the minutes-old revisions to his contract regarding privacy and the elimination of clauses pertaining to artist relationships, no one questioned it. There was no discussion, no interrogation, no demand for information. The Board simply voted unanimously in favor as blood whooshed through my ears and my pulse raced.

"I...yes. Sorry, I know I'm being dramatic, I just really wasn't expecting this. I'm happy Joonie, truly. Very happy, I promise."

He lifts his head from where it's resting on my belly and tilts his head in question.

"You should know by now that I can tell when you're not being honest." There's no bitterness in his voice, only tenderness. But I still shudder.

"It's okay to have mixed feelings about this Lucy. It's a big deal. I probably shouldn't have sprung it on you. I could tell that you were unhappy and hurting and with the official meeting with Bang weeks away I thought this might help make you feel more secure, knowing there is an end in sight. But I think even though it's what we want, it's still overwhelming and I didn't consider that. I'm really sorry Naekkeo."

"Get out of my head Kim Namjoon," I deadpan, teasing him to break the tension.

Outwardly I joke. But inwardly I feel the knot in my stomach unclench. He just...understands. He always understands.

He chuckles and shifts so he's lying on top of me, elbows supporting his weight. But I grab his shoulders and pull him down. The solid heaviness and warmth makes me feel safe and calms my racing mind. I breathe him in.

Home. 

"No sorries. I may have been a bit blindsided in the moment, but that's just my brain overreacting to sudden change, even if it's good change. This really is what I want. I know you're worried about not pressuring me, about wanting this to be my decision without any influence from you. But I made my decision a long time ago baby. I choose you. Every day. I love you."

His dimples are black holes in the moonlit darkness of the room.

"I love you too. More than anything."