Found Out The Day After

Chapter two: A large silence

I was in school when I received the news. Ashley wasn't there that day, and she wasn't answering texts or calls, but sometimes she got super busy with family and extracurriculars, so I didn't think much of it. I'm sitting in second period when the intercom buzzes, and a less-than-enthused office secretary's voice crackles, "All juniors need to report to the gym for an assembly at 2:10. Please excuse all juniors from class for this time."
The rest of the day leading up to 2:10, I wonder what the assembly could be about; my school never calls assemblies for specific grades, let alone without any further notice than a few hours. As my classmates and I funnel into the gym, I see my principal and two other adults who I don't recognize sitting on stools in the middle of the gym with microphones. Their faces are forlorn and pale. After everyone is seated, our principal begins speaking, his voice shaky and breathy.
"Hello, students. You have all been called here today because one of your classmates, Ashley Craig, committed suicide last night. I have with me today Mr. Lewis, a psychologist of 19 years, and Ms. Adkins, a therapist of 23 years. They are going to speak about the resources available for you all who may feel the same way Ashley did, and how to healthily cope with her death. I ask that you all be respectful listeners and appreciate what they have to say." The gym is silent. My head is spinning. My eyes are welling with tears. Ms. Adkins begins speaking about suicide hotlines and mental health resources, but it all sounds like a distant murmur in comparison to the thoughts pounding in my head: what did I do wrong? What did I miss? Why didn't she tell me?
I spent the next week doing nothing but laying in bed. I barely even ate or slept, and I'm sure I smelled awfully, as I didn't shower, either. The rest of that winter felt even colder without Ashley there, and the following spring felt dull; Ashley loved spring, and she made even the most infinitesimal details about the changing season fascinating. I missed Ashley's observations of the angle of leaves changing to absorb more sunlight, or Ashley saying how flowers in the school's garden seemed to perk up as the sun stayed in the sky longer, as if the sun's mere company was enough to make the flowers feel whole.