Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

Katie

When I think about it, he feels scrambled and I can't grasp him. But I feel his head resting on my stomach. I feel the tenderness he wants and I so desperately want to be able to give it to him. He deserves that from me or from someone else worthy of him. Part of me feels there's still negotiation going on behind the scenes about how this lifetime goes and I am okay with that. Let them feel my ebb and flow. It shows I cared. It's been over a year since I met him and it ended. What does closure feel like? I am betting closure isn't new chances at love with someone who wasn't pure, kind and good.

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I told you I'd get back to the story. So I'm going to focus on that. About a month into dating, Oliver and I had gone out to dinner with his best friend Tom. I loved Tom. Still do. That man can do no wrong in my eyes. I say that because Tom was about as authentic as they come. He has dusty blonde hair and wears wire framed glasses. He loves pullovers and kind of looks like he's just stepped off a boat. Whether it's day or night, Tom looks like he's just gotten back from a weekend on the Cape.

Oliver came late to dinner so Tom and I had fifteen minutes to get to know each other. It definitely would have been awkward if it wasn't so perfectly unperfect. He was self-deprecating and I loved his sarcasm. Much to his chagrin, I made him laugh and that seemed to help him relax. We talked about the depths of the ocean and the creatures that live there. It would appear a weird conversation to have with a total stranger but with Tom it seemed perfectly reasonable. I adored that aspect of him. He could sit across from his friend's new partner and talk about the absurd shit in the world and not blink an eye. He was my kind of weird and I wanted him in my life regardless if Oliver and I worked out. Sometimes I think I miss Tom more than Oliver. But maybe that's just because Tom was the one who called for help.

When Oliver showed up he was surprised at I imagine, how well we were hitting it off. I don't know Tom's side of it but I felt pretty good about how the night had gone up until then. It was a test and I knew it. Oliver had warned me about Tom. It was a big deal to meet him and a bigger deal if he didn't like me. But he did so I guess I was safe. It's not like I ever confirmed with him. I never sat Tom down and said "hey, how'd I do?"

I could just tell. Tom's energy seemed to say, okay, I trust you to take care of Oliver for now. I can't blame him for keeping his guard up. We had all been through it in different ways. But Tom was extra protective of Oliver just given how long they'd been friends and I respected that. He was Oliver's first line of defense and I was relieved to have made it past stage one.

When we left dinner, we headed towards a birthday party for Oliver's friend Joe. The bar was down a flight of stairs in one of those semi-basement type things and the whole place was covered in Christmas lights. It reminded me of the hometown bar you only go to during the holidays. Everything was sticky, none of the beers were particularly cold but you knew you'd find your friends and have a good time. Well, Oliver knew he'd find his friends. I didn't know anyone but him, Tom and the birthday boy Joe.

Joe was one of Oliver's rowing teammates. Oh I should have mentioned that earlier. Oliver was a rower. I guess he could still be considered one but he doesn't do it as often anymore. Something about age and hating 4 am wake ups. Joe and Oliver rowed together for years. Joe is a lovable. He has these bright eyes that look at you like you can be the most exciting part of his night. But his attention span is minimal so once he shines his light away from you, you feel the cold shadow of being left behind. Joe was always kind to me. He was also kind of a flirt which I didn't mind. I loved flirting. Oliver didn't seem to mind either.

The bar was packed and it had shuffle board, a photo booth, some arcade games and most importantly, cheap beers. We took over a corner of the bar where it seemed like Oliver knew everyone. We hadn't called each other boyfriend and girlfriend but when he introduced me as Nora, suddenly there I was saying: "Hi, I'm Nora, Oliver's girlfriend."