endlessly drawn lines

Pilot

"Oh, I am so sorry", i said when I unintentionally fell a bit onto him while standing up from the table of this asian restaurant. A little smile went over his face as he nods at me. After walking out the door a small silence came over the two of us. It was not awkward, it was just a small pause to take in all the things told this evening.

"The food was good, don't you think?", Gabriel asked me as we started walking home. I answered quickly: "It was, different and new."  We both laughed knowing that it was an traditional old school asian restaurant. Not that this was something negative, just something that some people wouldn't prefer. We countinued heading home as we talked about the evening. "What about making it official with our friends? We could go out dancing with them all together. This way they could get to know each other but it's still casual not making it an too formal occasion?", Gabriel suddenly asked. An unwell feeling overcame me, there is no reason for me to not agree but still there wasn't a need in me that wished to bring these people together. There was this small feeling in me, that wished, this connecting would just stay between the two of us. I replied: "Don't you think it's a bit early for them to get to know each other?" Gabriel denied my concern and talked me into going out this weekend. Every one of my attempts to find an excuse were overran by his excitement. I found myself wanting to find just the tiniest little excuse not to go, but there just wasn't one sounding logic enough for him. What was the matter, keeping me from actually liking him. He's perfect. He's doing everything right. So how could I be not falling in love with this gorgeous man?

All of a sudden my thoughts were distracted by the sound of Gabriels voice. It was time to split way's. For our goodbyes he gave me a passionate kiss, showing me how he really enjoyed the spent time with me today. But the only thing I could think of, was the moment it would finally end. To my sad perception, he realised my urge to already put this kiss to an end. Gabriel pulled away almost immediately, just giving me a confused sight. I could feel the confusion within him and how his thoughts couldn't find a reason why I would close up on him right now. Nothing was said, just a unclear view was exchanged. Only the words of him stopped this silent conversation: "Good night Noa". I wished him a good night as well and we started walking into different directions.

I continued sinking in my thoughts about the previous situation and how much I wished it never happend. I liked Gabriel but the connection we had build, was getting way to serious. A way of serious that I didn't feel for him. As much as I wished for it, there was not enough affection within me to actually be with him. It was time to end things, before he could talk me into becoming something exclusive. He was really good at talking me into things I didn't like, not necessarily in a bad way. But how would I let someone go, who is so nice and full of joy. There would not be a way for me, to not just shatter the world of happiness he had already build for us.

The way home just kept getting longer and my thoughts around all the Gabriel topic more, when all of a sudden I saw a well known face walking by in the dark streets of Paris. Before I could even make sure it was the face of Finn, I jumped aside and hid behind a trash can. He didn't noticied me but I would find his face in every crowd at every event every time. His face is almost printed in my head, nothing could ever make me forget the way his blue eyes look in the sun, or how his lips were perfectly roundish formed. He has one of these sweet faces, of which you never would expect anything imperfect. After a few minutes passed and I made sure he was gone, I continued the way home.

I couldn't stop thinking about, how in the same way I hoped for an increase of warmth for Gabriel in myself, I hoped to extinguish every feeling I have ever found for Finn. All the made memories, all the hurt we exchanged and all the love we gave each other, I would erase it all for one good moment with someone else, one moment I would be able to love as much as I did when I was with Finn. For one more moment so in love, I would give up all moments with him. I didn't know if life gave me a penalty for leaving and chosing myself over the help I could have given him. But it definitly felt this way, since I withdraw myself and left him behind, without ever thinking if it was right or fair or loyal for him. This was the first time I got reminded he was still alive and finally good. My head felt like passing out so I told myself what I always planned on doing, if ever reached the point of meeting him again. If I don't stop thinking about the fact of me abandoning this boy right now, I would never stop thinking about him again.

As I bring myself to forget everything that happened tonight, I realised that I finally reached my habitation. After what felt to be a lifetime of a walk home today, I'm just greatful for the sight of my girlfriends already waiting for me at the dining table. A feeling overcame me, that felt like everything would be okay again tomorrow. There was nothing to worry about as long as these girls were my friends. Just the sight of them and a reminder of how happy we all are to be with each other everyday made me forget all the struggles I've already lived through today.

The first one of them to come up and greet me was Emilia. As always she is the sweet soul, immediately asking how things went with Gabriel. She is the kind of person, who asks you questions, not because it's the norm but because she genuinely cares about people. I got to know her on the airport, accidentally bumping into her, when I moved to Paris. After we accidentally bumped into each other, we both felt a bonding straight away. Immediately after Emilia, Valentina made her way up to me. Valentinas eyes have such a beautiful blue color to it, that they are the first thing I always notice when stepping into a room with her in it. She is also probably the dearest friend anyone could wish for, no matter what's going on, I can always count on her without much questioning. Apart from that she is a total eyecatcher for boys too, with her long blond hair, there is never a day without getting ask for her phonenumber. The last one, not even standing up just waiting for everybody to calm down and get collected again, is Lily. She is the funniest one out of all of us and she knows that. We got to know her through a guyfriend of ours, we became really good friends and now she is one of us. Even though Lily and our boyfriend broke up a while ago, we all still remained friends. And Lily on the other hand switched mostly to dating girls after the break up.

Because of how tired I was of all the walking, the struggles I've lived through this evening and for the reason that I didn't intend to worry them again, I told them how great everything was going with Gabriel and how I couldn't wait for them to finally meet. I knew they didn't quite believe all of this but they knew I wasn't going to tell them anything different today. After chatting a bit we said our goodnights and peacefully went to sleep.