Underneath - Breathing with Dragons

Where Open Windows Will Find You

I am a ghost. Well, not really, I am alive and well, but I seem to roam about this intifinte simulation with a character of errieness that I just can't seem to escape. It is not that I feel this way to myself, but that I feel I am viewed this way. Or maybe I just don't want to self actualize. And it is not that I care so much for the opinions of others. I just seem to float about, without any care and simultaneously being looked at as the estranged embodiment of energy that I am. I find myself at a precipice of new life. A window waiting to be fully opened. Yet, I sit here with doubt in the corner of my right mind, fighting to be fully open, open-minded. Immersed in both sides of myself, both sides of my brain, a good polarity and duality between life and death, good and bad, etc. I write to you in the bellows of my childhood home. I have moved twice already, but something just keeps pulling me back.
I have realized this to be somewhat of a good thing, not so much that I emjoy coming back, but I have recognized the importance to let the present moment happen as it does. I admit, it is very challenging for me to be here at times. It can be loud and chaotic and overwhelming and is certainly the root cause of many of the issues I face on a surface level. Meaning, that of my mental health. I say this is surface level, because even though it is mental, the true root cause of these issues is often something much deeper, something spiritual, energetic, not just something physical or thought up. There is nothing greater than the ability to understand one's own spiritual needs, and I have been graciously gifted with such an ability. That is not to say that I do everything I probably should be doing for the sake of my full spiritual health, but I am only human, and a human must experience what it means to be so. So it must be known that I am a woman of my word and my action, but my mother has gifted me an ugly gift of shame and guilt for being who I am. This is not her fault, it is a generational issue, one that has followed a millenia of woman who have lived before us, and we do not blame them either, for it is the collective's own punishment for the failure to fully appriciate existence, and the feminine attributes of existence, that of which we must move to overcome together. So, I write to you with my inner child on my left shoulder and my teenage angst on my right, to acknowledge the balance that is necessary to come together in order to find this certain peace of mind that we all seem to be looking for and to be able to move forward with the pain of the past into the faith of the future.
I am a poet at heart, so I speak and write often in metaphors. I am fully welcoming you into my world, by writing this message. I knew it would fall into your hands at this exact moment in time. I am not afraid to share with you my thoughts, but I am asking you to free yourself of your judgment and your boxed mind, and listen to me without your ego so that I may do the same. So that I may write and channel these thoughts in the right mind of both minds.
In this place I reach to you from, I have yet to fully actualize my true self. That is why I am writing this. To the day that I realize myself, then this book will end. After, I have no idea who I will be, and I look to that version of self, presently now, with confidence, knowing I can only go up from here.
Because I feel I am among the ghosts here, I wonder about being neglected and passed through. Sometimes I am not convinced the great spirit is truly behind my back, but it is and it does protect the children of love. This is the day that I begin to change this worrisome part of my life. I am planting these seeds so that I might find my vessel wholly. This is a journey to self, that is why I am here.
I only hope to inspire you, my friend.