Shadow Of The Past | Ongoing

42| "I felt home in his arms"



"What?" I sighed out, as i turned around to see him.

"I'm sorry." He said.

"I know you are. Your always sorry and I appricate and admire that about you, that your able to see where your in the wrong and i thank you for that, but I've delt with so much just to get a "I can't tell you". I've delt with so much pain, from  that one, one single question that plays in my head every night of my life. I've been wondering why? Just why? Because this question has caused so much pain towards me. I don't ask more from you. All I ask is one question. Why? Why leave me. What bad things did I do to you that made you leave. After everything we've been through. After we decided to have a child, that's when you decided to leave me. Alone. With a child that wasn't t even born. I needed your help. I needed you and you left when I needed you the most. Ace she doesn't even know who you are. She knows nothing but stories about you. Right now Amara doesnt know what a big thing you are to me. To her. Your someone shes always wished for and need. She needed you but you werent there. Fucking hell Ace she's six going into seven. Shes a little girl who's always wanted a father, but I had to lie to her, Ace. I had to lie to her and tell you her you fucking died. I hate that I'm telling you this. Hate that I'm even talking about this topic that's so sensitive and personal to me. It hurts me all the time. It kills me so much tgat she had to not have you in her life. Your were such an amazing, fun person. I wanted her to see who you were to. I need her to see what a cool dad you were gonna be. It kills me that she cried and cried and cried every fucking day" I said struggling to get those words out.

"Not a day went by when she wasn't atleast in a sad mood. It's difficult seeing that shit Ace. It's hurts as her mother seeing her like that. Seeing her come home, in a sad mood, because she's seen all her friends and classmates with their fathers. Every moring I watched that little girl watch other dads hug, kiss their kids goodbyes all of it. Make them laugh. It hurt me so much that I even had enough and couldn't handle her being in so much pain. It got to the point where I had to marry a man I didnt even like nor love or have any feelings towards. I put her first all the time even if ut meant she was happy and I wasn't. I know this hurts hearing this. It hurts me as much as it hurts you. I deserve to know why you left you Ace." I finished and found myself struggling with every word.

He looked so hurt, but I also was.

"I want to tell you more, but all I can say is I was protecting you. If I didn't leave something would've happendd that would've killed me mentally and hurt me for the rest of my life. I'd never heal. No matter what." He said.

I'm really struggling here with him.

I could see he wanted to say why. But if this was all he could say I'll take it, although it wasn't enough.

"Okay." I whispered.

I slowly nodded, bitting my bottom lip.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and as I turned around I wiped it away immediately.

I was going to walk away again but i felt him gently grab onto my forearm, pulling me back and brought me into his arms.

His chin rested atop my head and it was automatic when my arms wrapped around his toned muscular torso.

I immediately broke.

The moment he held me I lost it. All the bad feeling I was feeling just lost it's hold deep in me and broke.

All the pain I've been holing just vanished.

I let him hold me, because I haven't felt this feeling in the longest time and I needed to release this pain.

Tears were streaming down my face like a gushing water fall. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.

Only now do I realize I needed someone to talk to about this.

Only now do I realize I needed him a lot.

Only now do I realize this is how I actually feel. Not only in general, but about this certain topic.

Only now do I realize, I've been keeping this feeling bottomed up in me for the longest time.

The moment he held me it was like he was the source that needed me to let my feelings out.

He held me I felt this feeling, where I could tell him anything in this world and he'd just listen. A feeling that when he wrapped his arms around me I felt secure. I felt protected.

As he embraced me in his arms, I sense an oddly amazing very missed feeling. A feeling I've missed everyday and wished I was in forever.

Home.

I felt love, care, protection and calmness in his arms.

I felt home in his arms.

I always have...

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