Inure; Accept and bear it

Chapter two: Where we at

Covered in make-up, hair all done, flowery perfume, perfect dresses and even better shoes, we are finally ready to meet the guys downstairs at the hotel bar. I feel nervous though.

"Ladiesssss." Leo Tuffin welcomes us at the bar with a kiss on our cheeks and Mace Moore and Gedeon follow by example.

Gedeon stands before me, slowly grabs and kisses the palm of my hand. "You look stunning." He flirts in a charming way. I giggle shyly. I would love to say it back at him but something in my head is stopping me. It feels like flirting and all is just not done. I can't, I won't... it's just to soon...

After a few drinks we all loosen up a bit and we get into more personal details. Kendra suggests hitting the dancefloor when the DJ put on her favourite song. Dancing together with my friends, just having a night of fun, feels like ages ago. It is ages ago!

I never did this since we got children and we got them so young. I don't know when I exactly quit living and went from party girl to a stay at home mom. The more years that passed me by, the more children I got, it felt like with each child I got a little piece of me died within. My children got more and more from me -as a person- until there was nothing left. I feel like this empty shell, barely functional. The way dancing makes me feel, I can't describe it. The joy it brings to me, no one who thinks that I am acting ridiculous, at least no one who I care for here.

Kendra takes me by the hand, spins me around and pulls me a bit closer to her while she whisperes in my ear: "don't look but he is watching you."

We continue dancing while giggling as teenage girls. I don't dare to look at him, knowing he observes every movement I make. "Does he at least seem to like what he sees? I mean, not as how Jake looked at me when we were dancing..."

"Haha, you mean judgemental?"

I nod my head. It pains me to know that I wasn't the only one who noticed how judgemental my husband Jake could be. He was perfectly imperfect, all at the same time, but still. He was the love of my life. We had pure magic going in, but many times he came with a remark as if it was impossible for me to be what so many other women just are. Sexy, desired, admired...
He only saw the woman I became. A mother and apperently you can't be something else when you are a mom.

Kendra shakes her perfect head, with that great chin and jawline of hers. Her waves seem to radiate just as her smile. She is like the sun, warms up the place, brings joy into your desperate little soul.

"What do I do now?" I ask her insecure, knowing that he is watching me.

"Flirt?" She asks playful.

But I can't. I am not ready and I've bin so long of the market that I forgot how to flirt with a man. My body isn't the same anymore, my mind neither. I grew up, I changed... 

The girls notice that I am not ready for it so we continue to dance and have fun on the dancefloor with Kendra doing her thing, -the usual- busting a move or two. Lynn cheers her on, Lynn just as Kendra are two taugh chicks. They will never grow up, even when they are old and grey they still will be hitting it off on the dancefloor and radiate the room with their presence.

The DJ puts on some slow music and we want to leave the dancefloor to get ourselves a drink but Mace grabs Lynn by the hand and pulls her closer with his other hand on her middle. Leo did the same with Kendra who gladly accepted. Gedeon stands before me and as a real gentleman he reaches out his hand. My heartbeat is raising, I want to run away but at the same time I long to fall in his strong arms and dance into this magical evening together. Kendra gives me a little push in my back and I take Gedeon's hand. He places his other hand around my middle and we shift back and forth.

"So, do you like it here? Have you bin sightseeing?" He tries to make small talk in an attempt to make me feel more at ease.

"Actually, we haven't seen anything yet."

"So where did you leave your husband and children?"

I take a step back, not knowing how to react and I'm completely freaking out.

What do I do?

"I need something to drink." And I run off to the bar and order two Tequila which I throw down my throat as if my very life depends on it.

Lynn and Kendra followed me, asking me what's going on but I promise them everything is alright and they should continue having fun as I am going to bed. I give them a friendly nod, as I did to the guys at my best behaviour and left Gedeon completely amazed by my magical disappearing act.

As I ran to the elevator, I feel so ashamed. Why did I ran off? Why?