07/05/2023
i feel so lonely.
i feel so lonely yet i am surrounded by all of you.
but none of it matters and i though it was okay, now
but it seems no matter what i do, it (still) hurts
and everyone goes away.
in Death or far away from my existence (like you)
maybe, when i'm telling this to myself, i'm lonelier than ever
maybe i'm not looking enough, but to me, no one sees me (three months after i feel the same)
or when i feel like i do, it always ends pointlessly (cf 'endless stream of invading thoughts' that is to follow)
and each night, i cry alone in my bed
hoping some miracle Love will ever save me from this Hell
and i wonder then if Love itself is worthy (since it fails me so much)
or if it's just another losing time, cause in the end, we're all alone.
"we can be lonely together", he would say.
and no sentence would have ever reassures me more.
---
sometimes all i want is to let it go
close my eyes and sleep all day
stop living for a while
then i remember it cannot be
cause this wouldn't be living otherwise
and i think about your departure, often
i'm so afraid it's the end of you
it's been a while since i haven't cried that much (and it gives me the creeps)
i have to be happy but you made me so confused
saw the depth of your influence around me
and you know how bad he feels without you, here
was this worth it all ?
is it good, at all ?
now you're so far that i can't feel your existence anymore
don't come closer to the bridge
i beg you. don't.
---
(my tears are still kept inside)
---
雨泽
雨泽 i love you and i don't want you to go.
you deserve so much more that life can offer you, one day.
i know i can't ask you to be patient.
to stay for us, if it's not for you.
i want to help you so badly.
can't you tell me where you are ? i can't even reach you...
i want to tell you that i love you. (so much)
no matter what you do, no matter where you are
i can't help you. i can't say anything. i'm suffocating.
but all i know is i want you to stay.
---
j'étouffe.
je me noie.
rien n'est clair.
pas même l'Art.
