heavensent - jpm

twenty

     i laid in bed in a ball, my knees curled up to my chest. i couldn't stop crying. i had been silently sobbing for the past few days. i lay there as the sun set and the moon rose, only to rise and fall again. day after day. the repetitiveness did little to comfort me. i had been betrayed by the man i trusted. the man i began to fall in love with. but i needed to get ahold of myself. i couldn't drown in this feeling forever.

     i was surprised james hadn't come looking for me yet. he must've understood that i would need space and time away. but as angry as i was with him, i hoped he would come back to me one day. i mean, we were stuck here forever. if i had no chance of leaving, i felt i at least deserved to spend my time with the man i loved. even if he was the one who took my life from me.

     but another part of me, the reasonable part, held the opposite belief. he had taken my last breath from me. shot me through the heart, literally. he was insane. i should hate him.

     i sat up, only to see a dress laid out on my bed. it wasn't one i owned. it was tight, baby pink satin, and as long as i was tall.

     i slipped it on. it was a perfect fit. i admired my curved figure in the mirror, the small of my waist, the wideness of my hips. i looked good, reminiscent of a renaissance painting.

    i vigorously brushed through my hair. once satisfied, i removed and started to apply my makeup. i was beginning to feel a bit better.

     a knock came at my door.

     "anastasia, my darling." james' voice called softly. like i would break if he were any louder.

     i stiffened, freezing to a halt.

     he sighed. "now, i know there's not anything i can do to fix this, and that you must be unhappy with me... but my little mouse... we are under one roof, for all eternity. you mustn't ignore me forever." he purred.

     i decided at that moment that i could not forgive him for what he did to me. i would stay away from him as much as i could. even if part of me did want to forgive him, the sane part of me fought back. i needed to push him away for my own good. even if it hurt more than anything.

     i wiped a tear from the corner of my eye before it could ruin my makeup, then continued to apply mascara. i wasn't ready to see him.

     "james, go away. i don't want to speak to you ever again." i was sure i sounded like a stubborn, hurt child, but that was how i felt.

     "my dearest," he spoke softly. "i am so sorry. please just open the door. let me do what i can to make it up to you. anything you ask."

     i shook my head, though i knew he couldn't see me. "you murdered me, james. i'm dead. there's nothing you can do to fix that." the aching hurt dripped from my voice like syrup.

     my mind flashed back to the memory of him holding my body beneath him. holding a knife to it. i didn't want to think about what he did after i left.

     "yes, my darling. i did. and i'm so sorry." he sounded genuine, which was surprising. "i've never felt any sense of... remorse, any guilt. none at all. this was the first. and i wish i had been enough of a man to let you go," he let out a gentle sigh. "but let's face it. we both know you couldn't have lived with the guilt of knowing what you saw, my darling. my angel."

     i thought back to the man he had cut open, bleeding out onto the floor of his hotel room. the same room he had taken my virginity in. the same room we had shared so much of ourselves and so many memories together in.

     "but my darling, now... now i can never hurt you." he said. his tone was sad but bright, as if there was a good side to this. he wasn't quite understanding. it seemed to not be as big a deal for him. he must have been so used to his afterlife that he forgot the beauty of living, of life.

     i shook my head, almost crying again. i was a porcelain plate ready to break. teetering on the edge. "but james, you did. you did hurt me. you hurt me in the worst way you ever could."

     he seemed taken aback by my response. after a moment he said, "your existence has hurt the darkness within me, anastasia. you have made me into a new man. a man capable of love." his tone begged for forgiveness, pleaded for repentance.

     i sighed. "love is proven, james. with actions, not just words. if you loved me, you would leave me alone." i felt like an animal of prey, lashing out at the predator in the only way i could. he needed to understand my level of hurt.

     i waited a moment for his response. there was absolute silence. after a few seconds, i cautiously walked to the door and opened it. all there was was an empty hallway.

     i slid on my shoes, walking back down to the lobby to see iris and liz gossiping behind the front desk.

"no way. he actually said that?" liz asked incredulously. iris nodded dramatically. "every word."

i cleared my throat to announce my presence. "hi."

their heads turned to me. they both smiled. they were happy to see me now, their expressions clearly showing improvement over the past few days.

"well you look much, much better." liz said, satisfied. she and iris looked me up and down, iris seemingly shocked.

"thank you. i'm so afraid, though, after seeing what james-" i began to tell them about the man i had seen but our attention collectively turned elsewhere.

suddenly, we heard the sound of the door opening.

"hello."

i turned around to face him. it was a man, maybe in his mid forties. he wore a black t-shirt and blue jeans. his hair was sticking up in all the wrong places. he had two armfuls of bags with him, most horribly beat up and patched with duct tape. he dropped two as he awkwardly walked to the front desk.

he dropped his bags, then turned to me and did a double take. he shook his head, turning to iris.

     "hi, sorry, um... my name is nate. stevens. i booked the night here." he told her, glancing back over at me but quickly looking away.

     "oh... yes. stevens. you'll be in room 55." iris gave a forced smile and handed him his key quickly.

     he smiled. "thank you. so much." i looked over at iris and liz, who seemed nearly as surprised as i was.

     "he was cute, anne." liz said, playfully smiling as she opened her compact mirror.

"why are you telling me?" i asked with a light laugh. it was funny and surprising to me that she had even said that. liz touched up her eyeshadow with the tip of her finger as she spoke.

"because he totally checked you out. he looked a little scared of you, like you were going to laugh at him, but he did. he thought he was being so secretive, but he did. i saw."

"me too." iris said with a grin.

i rolled my eyes. "no way." i laughed. "have a good day, girls." i said with a smile before turning on my heel.

     as i walked up the staircase to my room, i felt a strange feeling in my stomach. was i that naive? he checked me out? i pushed the thought away, chalking it up to iris and liz messing with me. it was just another one of their private jokes. i has nothing to worry about.