Clever Girl

Chapter 45: the nearest source of calm

Life sometimes presents you with situations that seem straightforward and easy to get through. Though when a single point changes, that situation can suddenly become exponentially difficult to solve. Like the sum of cubes in an impossible equation, it throws you for a whirlwind, and you no longer feel as confident. But what happens when it's a series of such changes?

My mind can't seem to focus on anything solid anymore. All I think about are blurry moments, distant faces, and jumbled words that I can't separate and make sense of. Did I pay the utility bill this month? When was the last time I went grocery shipping? Was there a school project I was supposed to help Matty with? I can't even remember the last time I ate something.

It comes in waves too. Rushes of uncertainty, particles of anxiety blinding me. Yesterday at the car dealership I was able to convince the owner to offer a complimentary maintenance program, which I believe will help maximize profits. Today, I can't recall the details of the strategy I presented. 

It's Monday morning, just before noon, and I'm roaming the halls of Apollo attempting to make my way to my locker. I've taken three wrong turns so far, ended up in the cafeteria, then back into the classroom I had left initially. Come on Veronica, focus. Second floor, east side, six lockers down from the girl's washroom. Second floor, east side, six lockers down...  I repeat the directions in my head, but my mother's face interrupts. Then Will's. Then Jay's. None very clear. 

The string of cloudy impressions evaporates when my phone rings. I fumble with it a bit before answering. "Hello?"

"Hey Ronnie! Guess what!"

"What?" If he hadn't called me Ronnie I wouldn't have known it was Will. I can barely concentrate on his voice. 

"I got into UFTL!"

"Is that a club?"

Will lets out a short laugh, "No, it's the University of Fort Lauderdale."

University. Right. Higher education. I almost forgot. "That's amazing. I'm so happy for you."

"Anyone who applies there gets in, but it's one of the cheapest in the country. If I can convince my grandma to sell the house, we can get a place there and afford tuition, and have some left over."

A pang of dread fills my heart - when high school ends, I might never see Will again. He said we'd start a business together, that we'd run this town together. Though I can't be selfish. This isn't about me. "I'm sure she'll be cool with it. It's a solid plan. Plus, Florida's supposed to be a great place for retirement - she'll love the warm weather." 

"I hope so. Anyway, listen... can you come over tonight?"

"For a bit. If it's for more papers I can swing by right after school to pick them up."

"No, it's not that-" he cuts off. For a moment it seems like the line dropped, but then I hear a touch of wind and muffled voices. When he speaks again his tone is a lot lower, like he's weighing every word, "I wanted to cook you dinner."

"Dinner? Like a date?" Almost as soon as the assumption escapes my lips, I regret it. Hopefully he thinks I'm joking. For the past week or so anytime I think of Will I feel different, and I'm not sure if it's really a crush, a deeper friendship than I've ever experienced, or something else. It was there when Will dismissed his friend's comment about us, growing steadily. Maybe it was brought on by my decision to officially end things with Jay - like a rebound, or a desperate attempt to latch onto the nearest source of calm.

"No, not a date. I wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. Besides, after graduation, who knows when we'll get to hang out again. You'll be off at your fancy new school,  and you'll forget about me."