A Most Unusual Place To Birth A Child

So there I was...

"How about you try breathing on each push?"

"How about you try shoving a watermelon up your ass?"

I love my wife so much. That's why at this moment. She is the most precious thing to me in the entire world.

"I'm gonna see if I can find some padding for you." I said in my best doctor voice.

My wife didn't buy into my character at all "Babe. It's coming any minute now. For fuck sake."

My wife is half Irish and half Scottish. But I love all parts of her. She is one of the greatest people I've ever known. That's why I asked her to hike with me two weeks before she was due. I wanted to share a sunrise with her on my favorite mountain; Mount Callosaul Ossel. I also have no idea how female anatomy works which is why our child is now being birthed 265m above sea level.

"Scarlett." My eyes focused just above her head. "Honey...don't move." I was cautious but direct.

My wife plunged her hands into the dirt "Oh yeah. fuck off with that noise—-" She started to do a little swaying side to side.

"HONEY. Sssh!" I cut her off and lowered my hands slowly motioning her attention.

"Babe." She softly moaned, clearly in too much pain. Her eyes were closed and straining. But at least she was more quiet.

Behind my beautiful wife was a grizzly bear the size of a double fork lift truck. The only thing between it and me, was again, my beautiful wife. And soon to be the first born son. Or hopefully daughter. Boys are so stubborn. Talk too much and wanna wreck things—

My wife was at wits end "Babe! Please! Get the fuck over here an—-"

Before she could get out another word. My feet began moving. It wasn't anything I considered. I just acted. Darting directly forward.

Drawing up all my strength and courage. A memory flashed into my head. A face appeared. It was Mr. Conner, my old track coach. I started to recall a speech he gave us before an event.

His voice heavy with a southern Louisiana accent "Remember. During your initial 100m sprint. You've gotta remind the people in the lanes to the left and right of you. You didn't come to fuck around." Mr. Conner grinned at us.

Back to the preset moment I roared as I charged "I'M NOT HERE TO FUCK AROUND!"

I collided directly with the bear and sent the both of us tumbling over. As we fell the bear kicked me into the air like a human soccer ball. I landed flatly on my back after involuntarily performing a perfect front flip grunting "Oooomph!"

"I always liked Clarence" I smirked begrudgingly to myself as I lay on the ground in pain. Still deciding on a good name for my soon to be deceased son/daughter.

"Charles!" My wife screamed in sheer panic as she now saw the animal behind her.

My wife's voice brought will into my body. "That's me! I remember my name!" I shouted to myself. I stood up to my feet and immediately fell to one knee. "Fucking Charles..." I growled clutching my stomach. My fall had done quite a number on me. It ached just to breathe."Pull yourself together you old fuck. What would grandpa say?"

I paused.

"Probably something racist and oddly patriotic." I thought to myself as I began limping towards the giant animal about to devour my wife. I leaned down and picked up a rock. I focused my energy and tossed it as hard as a human can toss something. It struck the beast directly in the back of the hind leg.

"Shit" I missed. I was aiming for its head. Being tossed a good fifteen meters upside down will do that to your aim. Either way my goal was accomplished as the giant predator spun around to face me, eyes wild with anger.

"Excellent." I smirked to myself. "Time for my hours of playing RPGs to pay off." I lifted both hands up as if preparing to box this creature into submission.

Just as soon as the bear began to tighten its body for another attack. My wife entered the fray.

"Come at me you sonofabitch I'll bite your fucking dick off if you dare touch my unbirthed child!!"

Like I said. I love my wife. Even in her most painful and vulnerable moments. Scarlett's massive protective aura could not be stifled. Her feminine strength filled my body to the brim with testosterone.

"Gotcha." I jumped on the bear's neck as its head was turned to my wife. I swung as hard as I could. And managed to flip the beast over my head and off the nearby cliff. With a mighty roar I let it go and listened to its voice trail off until a satisfying "thud" hugged my ears. I closed my eyes and fell back. Satisfied and physically dead.

I turned to my wife. And saw her clutching our new bloody ass baby.

"Oh she's so beautiful. What should we name her?" Scarlett beamed so much you couldn't even tell her face was covered in dirt, scars and tears.

I leaned my head back on the ground exhausted.

"Give me a minute to appreciate being alive."