vent

yk waht hurts the most is that for seven fucking years the person i thought was my best friend supposedly hated me.

i don't understand, i did everything thing to help her be with her, and im the bad person? im the bitch now?

WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME???

i push people away thats on me , but people like her is  exact reason i do. bc every fucking time i love someone they leave and its always the same fucking speech before too. ' i wouldn't leave you, i love you ' ' im always gonna be here ' just do us both a favor and shut up bc yk its not true.

i get it im alot ok im sick in the head. im broken. im a project no one could fix. something everyone gave up on.

im tired im so freaking tired and it hurts. everything hurts.

i have two people i love and i think love me. but i always have a constant worry of what happens when they relize im a horrible person? what happens when they relize im too broken beyond repair? what then? i already know the answer they leave.

AND IM SICK OF BEING SICK.

im tired of the depression and the anxiety im tired of the eating disorder. im just tired.

IM TRYING IM FUCKING TRYING.

i swear im trying. and im sorry im so sorry

they gave up. and i was trying. i was trying and it wasn't enough. all i ever wanted was to be enough. and bc i spent my time trying they all left so oh well i guess.

now i can't even cry bc nth compares to the other pain i have felt so i just don't react.

i hate im this way. i hate the daddy issues and the mommy issues i hate the attachment issues the trust issues.

everything that everyone hates about me i promise i hate more.

i just wanna disappear. stop texting stop calling. everything. not like anyone would care. and if they did they would move on pretty quick.

i just don't understand. help me just help me. please help me.

it hurts. it hurts so much.

just make it stop someone make it stop.

please make it stop.