Jetstream (Hawks Angst)

silent.

Hawks spent a week in the hospital surrounded by quirk and amputee specialists.

Everyone told him that his wings were lost forever.

He never protested.

In fact, he never spoke a word.

Not when Aizawa came to visit.
Not when Mirko came to visit.
Not even when Midoriya came to visit.

Not when doctors spoke to him.
Not when nurse's spoke to him.
Not when therapists and psychiatrists spoke to him.

If he couldn't save people, what was his purpose?

He didn't have a purpose. His existence is meaningless. He couldn't find a reason he deserved to be alive.

It took 2 weeks of recovery before he spoke again and it was to Rumi, who had been talking to him about something or other he didn't really care about. She was always talking to him. Talking to him like he could talk back. Talking to him like he would just respond one day, like normal, while at the same time properly adknowledging the change and pain he was experience.

Then she asked how he was.

She had been asking him little questions here and there and he had begun to give nonverbal answers. Her technique was working.

But now he spoke, oh so softly.

"I don't know." He whispered.

She was surprised he said anything, but didn't make a huge deal out of it, "what do you feel?"

"I don't know what's next." He whispered further, "It always used to be at least I could help people but now I-" he choked on his emotion as tears welled up in his eyes.

The couple feathers left on his wings were completely gray and he had no control over them. His wings were short and stumpy.

Flying was impossible.

Some doctors had talked to him about prosthetics but he had answered with silence. They knew that he meant no. It would never be the same. It couldn't be the same.

"I don't know what's next either, but we're going to figure it out together, okay? You losing your wings doesn't mean you're getting left behind." Rumi comforted, "especially not by me."

She didn't expect him to start sobbing. She didn't expect to be able to hug him so soon. So soon and so completely. With his wings out of the way she could hug him tighter than ever before.

And he sobbed through it all.

"Rumi, I'm never going to fly again." He sobbed, "I'm never- I'm never gonna fly again."

She rubbed his back, then very carefully, the spots in between where his wings used to be. He relaxed significantly.

"Good to know that spot still works." She said softly as he cried into her shoulder. He was still in a hospital gown, now wearing sweatpants underneath as the nubs of his wings stuck out the back of the loosely tied dressing.

"I don't know where I'm going from here." He said nervously, "I can't- I can't be a hero anymore."

Rumi didn't say anything for a minute, "maybe you can't be a hero anymore, but that doesn't mean you never were. You can keep changing lives and helping people, but maybe not in the way you used to. Just some food for thought."

Hawks sighed, but it really did get him thinking.

How could he help other people like him...
Without his wings?

-----
2 weeks later:
-----

Hawks woke up screaming, blood pumping coursly through his whole body. He was staring blankly down at his hands, screaming. His bedroom was pitch black, leaving his surroundings completely up to a nightmare's interpretation.

For a moment everything was covered in blood. Soaked in it. Flights of pain struck through his nonexistent wings and he wondered why he couldn't stop feeling the phantom pain. He was still screaming.

Less than a second later someone was opening his door and sprinting too him.

"Kiego! Kiego, it's just a dream! Take a breath take a deep deep breath. It's fine, you're okay its not real." They yelled, causing the wingless hero to fall silent for a moment.

He let out another struggled yell, trying to breathe before letting his head fall and his hands grasp the hair behind his head. His breaths were struggled and panicked and being collapsed over himself wasn't helping.

His chest ached and so did his wings and his whole ribcage. He couldn't get in a good breath. His sobs had become shouts.

This was his worst episode in a while.

"Kei, listen to me. Listen, okay? Remember your exercises. Square breathing, okay? In, hold, out, hold." She said, gently laying a hand on his shoulder, having learned his back was off limits on these situations.

He loosened a bit as she began to guide him out of his curled up position.

"Lay out flat." She said softly, but sternly. He followed, laying on his back, adjusting uncomfortably as his nubs got to their flat positions.

He layed there and sobbed as Mirko tried to help him breathe. She hadn't seen him so miserable in a long time. Slowly they breathed together and walked through slowing down the nightmare induced panic attack. Soon he was sitting up again.

"What's on your mind? Talk to me." She said, not wanting him to fall into another period of silence. It had become a tendency lately. He would get stressed, dissociate, and then lose the ability to speak (or refuse to? She wasn't sure which) for random periods of time.

"Mirko, I can't find my purpose. I'm drifting aimlessly. I'm- I'm organizing other people's heroics and im- I'm not doing enough im- I'm completely useless and and- I dont- I can't. I can't live without my wings it's like I've lost part of myself I don't know what to do. it's like half of me is gone and- and I keep waking up from nightmares and I feel so scared all the time. I can't eat- I can't sleep- I can't focus on anything. I'm so-"

He hesitated before speaking, "I'm useless."

Mirko plopped down on the bed in front of him, pulling her legs into a criss cross position.

"Then find a use." She said simply.

Hawks looked confused.

"Find a way to make a change. Tons of people do that without their quirks everyday." Mirko said.

Hawks nodded slowly, "but- but how?"

Mirko thought for a minute, "I dunno. Do something to help people like you. You know that life better than anyone else I know. Give people something you didn't have when you needed it." She prompted.

Hawks began to think. Really think now. He went silent in his thoughts.

Mirko sighed and tried to ask him a question again, when he didn't respond she left him to his own devices, thinking it was useless to try for the rest of the night. She thought it was one of his silent moments. A moment where his head was cloudy, a moment he wouldn't remember at all in the morning, except that was far from the truth.

Kiego's head, in fact, was clearer than it had been in years.