You.
The greatest of my sins.
The cause of my demise.
The beating of my heart.
Everyone wishes to have a love with depth. One with passion, and ardour. One that would break you out of your sleep. One that you would see staring at the moonlight.
It was the love I wanted to give you; the kind you deserved.
But you didn't see that... you couldn't.
Surrounded by empty promises, you let yourself be corrupted by their greed and fall prey to their lust, slowly drifting away from a bliss only I could show you.
You pushed me further, and further down until my voice was nothing but wasted breaths.
So, I drowned within the turmoil of my own heartache; choking back tears as the terror of my lifeless existence hailed. Tipping on the edge of lunacy- when suddenly- a shock of your warmth held me still, secure; lowering my eyes from the bloodied vast, I recognised those sorrowful tears.
You...
Violins orchestrated sinful symphonies - my heart fluttered with passion, whilst my mind was plagued with delusion. Was it really you, or my insanity of you taking over?
Was it really you? Or my insanity for you taking over?
Was it really you? Or my insanity.
Was it really you?
Was it really you?
Nevertheless, I allowed myself to indulge at that moment; your hazel hair dancing to the wind's rhythm, your eyebrows pinched in worry over charcoal eyes burning with sympathy.
Looking at you was as though getting lost within the hymns of heaven.
It was my time. I had waited persistently, watching as you spent your love away and carelessly gave yourself to those who did not earn you. I watched as you fell victim to their illusion of care. Then, the centre of your being shifted; you proved that we could finally be one.
Of course, there were some who warned me not to fall for your ambiguity, but it felt true this time, that our collision was destiny, the blessing I had been praying for. Like soulmates divided at a prior course, our reunion was a fate untold.
Amidst these days were the endless encounters and partings of you and me; demons lurking among the midnight shadows- both yours and mine- accompanying each other to the light in perfect matrimony and complete destruction. We formed a bond I thought to be immune to the corruptions of humanity, and armoured by the passion we bore for one another.
You would smile at me, feed me your desire, and intoxicate me with your infatuation; we would lay under the sullen, unreachable, spill of navy where every crease embodied the everglowing. I pitied the stars, for they could not compare to your shine.
As much as it pained me to accept- I found a paradise that could not be sustained. It was all coming to an end.
In that realisation, I understood that you were the persevering fire within the tempest of my heart; though sometimes it hurt to watch myself break away piece by piece, at least it made me feel the indescribable feeling of being alive.
When the flame of your grasp extinguished and you erased me from your world, I was left faltering. Should I have felt despaired to be left by you or satisfied to have been let go? To this uncertainty, death would fall mercy for there is nothing worse than the unknown. It was a mystery that pulled on my morality and demanded the darkest parts of me to seek closure.
It was undeniable that I worshipped you... maybe too much.
I was devoured with the need to be loved by you like you had loved others- it towered all else. You were the forbidden fruit and I craved a taste. Manipulated by my desperate heart, I grew dependent on your fabricated acts- the way you gently kissed manicured hands and gracefully wiped the tears off pretty faces.
Flames of our love raged higher and hotter, consuming all reason and sense of self, I couldn't help but marvel at the beauty within the chaos. There was a certain beauty in setting our love on fire and dancing in the centre of the flames.
We held onto the remains of us until our reflections mocked sympathy- so I fell away from you, threw my head back and yelled into the winds, arms spread wide, teeth bared to the world. It was not until I was pained from the fall that I realised I drank your lies because they were easier to swallow than the fact that we could never truly love each other, we could not allow ourselves to even momentarily forget that love is but an ephemeral illusion.
Now it was time to sober.
I had been wondering what death would feel like; having the ability to escape from this reality. What it would feel like to witness myself crumbling, shutting down, laying there hopelessly, yet anxiously awaiting your rescue. What was the point if I could not live my life without it being torn away?
Without you...
After you...
Loneliness had never felt so threatening; the emptiness pushing into my chest until I am a mere structure of rusting bones and faded skin. My every thought wrinkles with disgust as I begin to fathom that everything I did was adapted to you- the words I whispered, the sights I saw, the life I lived. All to fit you.
Despite it all, the most dreadful of all was that you let me, gladly too. You gently played on my heartstrings, while watching me slowly ruin; yet there would not be a single moment in time that I would not do it all over again, and again, and again. For you.
You.
The greatest of my sins.
The cause of my demise.
The beating of my heart.
⁓ ⁓ ⁓
tada.
