i used to never really understand people when they talked about the five stages of grief. yes, i've had people in my life die, but their death never affected me. i never understood until you left. you didn't die. you're still here. i see you almost every day but for some reason i'd much rather you have died. in that moment it felt like i was going through them all at once
Denial - as soon as it happened i didn't want to believe it. i was already down about something and the sudden text was too much. even when talking to them about it, i refused to believe it was true. i'd much rather have thought you were playing a joke on me. like april fools. all i could think about was the words you said. "you're safe with me" "if you don't have any other constants in your life, let me be that" with that led into a different stage.
Anger - i felt like you lied to me. you told me you'd be there no matter what. you were my normal. and suddenly you were gone? all i could feel was the rage building up. i didn't know why, but i knew i hated you. i made myself believe you were the bad guy. that you had always been this way and i was too blind to see it. i tried my best to forget about it for the rest of the day to avoid the anger i felt. that only lasted for so long before it turned into a completely different emotion.
Bargaining - in that moment i would've done anything to have you back in my life. i pleaded my case, even though i didn't have to. i tried so hard to talk you back but you had already made your mind up. there was no changing it but i'd be damned if i gave up. i would've traded my whole life just to hear you again. just to hear you tell me it'll all be okay. to talk me through the bad moments and congratulate me on the good ones. to help me with the things that seemed so small to everyone else but were big to me. i needed you back. but at some point i had to realize that you can't fight forever, especially when you're the only one fighting.
Sadness - you said with you i'm safe but in that moment i had never felt so unsafe. i felt like i had no home, because that's what you were to me. you were the one place i let my guard down and suddenly it was gone. all in the span of ten minutes the one place where i knew no one would judge me had just been destroyed. i couldn't breathe and i didn't know if i'd be able to again. i knew i was someone before you, but i don't know if i wanted to be someone without you. you said you were sorry if you hurt my feelings because that was never your intention but in that moment you shattered everything i had inside me. for a while after that small things would break me. looking at a laundry pile. my chemistry grade. the hospital. white cars. the fucking laundromat. school. all places that you had attached yourself to. it would hurt the most when i had something to tell you. you were only a text away but somehow it was so far. it took a while but it finally set in.
Acceptance - you're gone and you're not coming back. that's the hard truth. it's a bitter pill to swallow as soon as i did it's like a weight left my shoulders. the thought was painful at first i can't deny that but it's true. i can't keep fighting for something that's not there. does the idea of trying again seem great, of course. but i know realistically that's not going to happen. even if amends were to be made it won't be the same. you won't be the same person i knew before and i'm ok with that. it doesn't bother me because at the end of the day it's your life and you choose what's best for you. i have to do what's best for me even if it hurts and right now what looks like what's best is moving on. and i've done that. i see you all the time and i smile. the smile isn't forced. it doesn't hurt. it's genuine. i'm glad you're okay. no matter how much i wanted you to come back i now know that you can't force people to stay. like you said, people come and go but i have to live with me forever. i'll always have that picture of a mother painted just for you but i can accept that sometimes things don't work out how you want them to. and that's okay.
i'm okay.
