i thought writing would help but i dont even know where to start. im feeling so constantly depressed and just so empty, and its not helping that im overweight. people tell me i should lose weight or that im big, its so painful. they dont know what its like being in my shoes. i hate my body as well, i'd do anything to get out of it. i've tried alot of things, walking everyday but that ending quickly. my motivation just went down. its so hard. all i do is lay on my floor and play video games with my friends and just get bigger and bigger. i dont know why i eat, i dont know why the moment i see food i want to eat it. everytime i think about eating i feel so ashamed. i get yelled at for being fat and for being lazy, the moment they do i always put my walls up to make myself feel better; but i know deep down what they're saying is true. i just want to stay in my room all day and not do anything anymore. its so hard. why cant anyone be proud of me. im so ashamed to be near anyone, or to have a relationship with anyone. when i see posts with girls hanging out with their family, being happy with them; i get so envious of them. if i was skinnier, my family would be okay. i get bullied in school, and its very hard to stay happy for the rest of the day. its suffocating, this constant sadness. my heart aches constantly. i day dream everyday what my life would be like if i wasnt overweight, or what my future would look like. it makes me happy, because it removes me from the state of mind im in. my mom is the one who gets yelled at for my weight by my father. i know shes sad and suffering as well. i dont want her to be put through that again. she deserves the world. i know shes ashamed of me. every time we go out and see someone she knows who hasnt seen what her daughter looked like before, the moment they see me, all they are is shocked. "thats your daughter?" "shes 14?" i cant let this keep happening. its depressing to me that people think im much older than i am.
i lost faith in god a long time ago. when i see videos about god, and how he saved them; i never believe it. i laugh at it, at how stupid they are. if he were real, i wouldnt be here. all those nights i cried and cried about how i no longer want to breathe, about how i dont want to feel anymore; he was never there as some people said. it makes me feel so hopeless. i tell everyone im excited for public highschool, since i got homeschooled half way through 8th grade because of bullying, and not having any friends. but god im so terrified. i dont want to do it at all, but at the same time i just dont want to be lonely. even at cms, i was bullied despite all the friends i had. i dont want to be bullied anymore, im constantly so scared to be around people, people my age. they'll laugh at how big i am, just as they have my whole life. its so hard to keep going. my mom got us a free gym membership, but not once have i gone. i dont want people to be shocked over me, i so tired of people staring and judging. im not pretty. everyone lies to make me feel better, even my mom. ive seen myself many times, im so disgusted with myself. i wear these clothes that most people wear to see if i'd look good in it, i'd feel confident then immediately get shut down by strangers. then i want to go hide in a hole and hide there forever till everyone is gone. pretty much everyone thinks im a pretty, funny girl, because thats all they ever see. god im so hungry right now. i only decided to starve myself today because i heard my dad yelling at my mom over my weight. i cant stand this anymore. i just want to die, but god im so afraid. i dont know what'll come after it, and i wont be here to see the fun moments. but on the other hand we have all this shit going on and im just so stuck. if i stay, i'll be in pain. but if i end it all, who knows what happens after. i've been close to killing myself before. i had a big bottle of asprin in my hand, texting everyone even for the slightest reason to stay alive; and they did it. they always make me feel bad.
i lost 10 pounds, yet no one praised me. it doesnt matter how much i lose to be honest. i'll always be big. i want to be with this guy, his name is amar. hes my friend's younger cousin. hes around my age. and we all play and call together. we get along super well. i've had a crush on him for a bit now. but everytime i think about being with him when i daydream, im brought to reality. he wouldnt want to be with some ugly fat girl like me. so if i starve myself, i'll be pretty. i heard when you starve yourself more, you lose your appetite. im ashamed for doing this, but i might be pretty. i'll do anything to have a chance to be looked at in a good way and to be pretty, to be seen as a happy 14 year old girl. i know the process wont work immediately, but it'll work. all i will put in my mouth is water from this day forward
