ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀᴏᴜʙʟᴇᴅ ᴄʜɪʟᴅ

the round tables

november 15

the metal door clangs behind me, scaring me with the heaviness of it.
as i examined the cafeteria i was now in, i can't help but allow my stomach to drop into the cracks of the ground, can't help but allow my nostrils to flare at the musk of the walls.

with my sister alongside me, i linger behind her while she sits on the benches of the round table.
i don't sit, i don't even look at the other door opening as i twist my curls around my freshly tattooed finger, all i do is squeeze my eyes tightly repeatedly.

with the persuasion of billie, i am here to visit the woman that gave it all for me.
i hear her voice, it's making my eyes sting with quickness, making the memories flood.

the guilt is fresh as if it'd just happened yesterday, the
ache in my heart, stabbing and gut-wrenching.

it was all too much for me.

"sweetheart" i hear my mother say, i hum out of instinct, i can't help it.
as i turn around my eyes lock on the grays of her roots, the harsh sadness lunged deeply in the hazels of her eyes.

the coldness of the bench is almost as worse as the ache in my heart as i avoid eye contact.
"look at you," she says, caressing my cheek like she always did but i don't like it.

she immediately runs her eyes over my arms, i can't tell if she's furrowing her eyebrows at the scars or the tattoos but im already regretting leaving billies black hoodie in the front of my sister's car.

"hi," i say weakly, watching her eyes water.

"oh my poor baby," she says, and god does it hurt.
the softness of her voice, softer than avery's, softer than billies and it just makes me feel so overwhelmingly comfortable.
my mother's voice reaching its way into the depths of me, past all the hardened rock, past the nightmares and darkness and it's truly a breath of fresh air.

how couldn't i have visited her sooner, how could i be
so selfish?
the tears run down my cheek slowly as i squeeze her tired hand.

"look how you've grown," she says, a smile spreading, "you're beautiful."
my lungs fill with questions and they're begging to be let out, begging to be answered by the one that was supposed to be guiding me.
but i can't allow myself to ask them, they'll cut her too deep, they'll let her bleed out with no sympathy.

how am i to tell her my life is too hard when she's the one who gave it to me?
she wipes my tears, holds my face tightly before saying "what's the matter?"

i sob i can't help but let little astrid speak through me as avery puts her hand on my shoulders.

"it hurts mom," i say "i'm just sorry, i'm so so sorry."
"there is no need to be," she says "the world should be apologizing to you."

and with that, she is standing, hugging me tightly and i don't want to let go.
but the officers don't care, they grab her and take her away from me again as she walks through the door she came in.

avery is grabbing my hand, leading me out the metal door as my head fills with my mother.
all i can think about is the sunken look in her eyes, the quiver of her lips, and the tears on her cheek.
-
i've found myself at another round table today yet billies on the across from me this time, not my sad mother.

as the sun sets i let the cold ice cream melt slowly, i've only let my eyes linger on billie, her lips, and the way she licks the ice cream off of them.
we've sat here talking about how it went with my mom, how she was writing more music, how i was sober.

and still, i couldn't tear my eyes away from her.

"what" she finally says, and even under the light i can still see she blushes.
"i'm just looking at you," i say, billie smiles, "okay, but your ice creams melting."

i chuckle "i'm looking at you billie— the ice cream doesn't matter."
billie smiles brightly, shaking her head as i motion for her to sit next to me.

the creatures tell me to tear my eyes away from the glossiness, tell me don't do what i'm about to.
despite the whispers getting louder, getting violent and threatening, i kiss her.

they're sweet, they are soft and so delicate i feel like i'm floating. billie kisses me back, and goodness it's perfect.

she feels like the softness of my sheets, tastes like my favorite song with the added melodies i wish were originally put in.
but as soon as i begin to float higher i am knocked back down as one hand presses into my thigh, the other on my cheek as she pulls me in.

it makes my mind blank and i try to grab her cheek in return, to make this more comfortable, to not to let the tears fall, but the whispers are now screams and they have taken me under yet again and i am spiraling.

i pull away quickly.
the kiss was too short, too short to even be considered one.

"what," billie says "are you okay, is it something i did? somewhere i touched? i'm really sorry."

"no, you're good," i say, picking at the material of my jacket "everything's fine."

she nods as she points between us "so us— we're good?"

"we're fine," i say as she smiles, "okay then, can i kiss you again?"

i nod and with that, she leans into my lips yet again.

947 words