I'm Fucking Lonely

CRY NIGHT

This is the matter of last night when I cried silently, completely, for fear that no one should come to know about my crying.
I know this must have happened many times with you too, to be honest, nowadays everyone wears the mask of a (😄) over (🙂) face.

Because if they come to know, they will ask reason of crying,
which we don't have and even if it happens, we'll not be able to tell bcs we know no one understand.

This is about 3 days back After we finished our morning routine and sat down in a long chair ,
Papa and Mummy were just talking.

Then, Papa told me that from now on i will take your phone and go to sleep.
Otherwise, you will keep using the phone till late .

And simultaneously asked what were you doing last night at 12:30, I heard the sound of the chair being dragged .

You were awake, didn't sleep till then ??
I said that remaining member were going to sleep at the same time and had also turned off the light,
so I was removing that chair from there so that no one could get hurt in the dark tripping over chair.

Papa must have heard the same voice, so i said Papa there is no problem with the phone.

       
              The point is that

" Mujhe nind nhi ati ( ab was silent )"

He said yes because of the phone you don't sleep.

I said it's not like that, but I really can't sleep
He said no problem, from tonight I will take the phone everyday, then sleep will come. I said ok take it but can i watch TV he said yes
Of Course see
Maybe they found it as a new excuse of me being sleeplessness.

I admit i use my phone late at night but the reason for this is being not able to sleep + I'm scared of being alone at night ,bad thoughts keep coming in my mind. 

So my best friend at that time,

If she remain online, I would have talked to her.
I spend my time with her, only those few 2-3 hours of peace
found  to spend out of the whole day.

I Thought papa would ask me

Why can't you sleep daughter ?

Everything is okay na,

Is anything troubling you ?
But it didn't happen, so what should I say, I kept quiet and said
Papa u can do anything as you see fit.

I know parents always say nothing for my bad, they just want to see me go high in life

But what should I do, i don't understand what is happening with me, I don't feel like anywhere now, all the time my eyes remain moist.

Now it seems to me that my parents used to deserve a good daughter,
but they got a selfish and heartless daughter like me.

Why God???

Did not give such a daughter who was worthy of them, not like me who has become just a feast.

They both deserve all the happiness in the world and I am not giving them even one of them.

I'm such a bad person ...