INT. GARTH CENTER FOR THE ARTS AND SCIENCES, DAY
Arden, a seventeen-year-old little blonde girl, seems all but out of place in the overwhelming architecture of her artsy private school's science wing. The tolling of the school bell has long since faded into memory and Arden, resplendent in her solitude, is engaged in a standoff with a balled-up piece of paper - the battlefield, a trigonometry test drenched in a sea of red corrections.
Arden pulls out her phone and fires off a desperate text to her dad, an SOS in the form of "DAD. PLS COME PICK ME UP ALREADY." Every tick of the clock is a reminder of her feud with Anne, her math teacher, a woman as baffling as the enigma code. Anne's inexplicable aversion to Arden is more complicated than the Pythagorean theorem and makes less sense than a nonsensical word problem.
Enter the HAGS - the holy trinity of Arden, Aoife, and Gia. Their group chat is a testament to years of friendship, a name whose origin story is buried under years of inside jokes, laughter, and teenage sarcasm. Their shared misfortunes and victories are the glue that binds them together in this battleground called high school.
In comes a text from Arden, setting the stage for a much-needed vent. Quick texts are exchanged, grievances aired, math teacher slandered, and plans for the evening - a sleepover at Arden's, are cemented.
Outside, Arden's dad's Range Rover pulls up, a steel beast of sanctuary against her war with trigonometry. Michael Murray, Arden's father, and a seasoned businessman, is engrossed in a phone call, unaware of his daughter's emotional turmoil.
Arden bundles into the car, hoping her father will notice her wounded spirits. Michael, momentarily pausing his conversation, throws a glance at his daughter. Arden's heart flutters, a spark of hope. But all he does is hush her to silence and dives back into his work call. It's a disappointing twist to Arden's emotional screenplay.
Heartbroken, Arden spends the rest of the ride staring out the window, nursing her pride, her tears clouding the world outside. Her school drama may be over, but the stage is set for a night of adolescent therapy in the form of a HAGS sleepover.
FADE OUT.
EXT. ARDEN'S HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON
AOIFE and GIA, jittery and brimming with teenage excitement, ring the doorbell of Arden's posh Massachusetts mansion. The sound ripples through the desolate halls like a coy joke at a funeral.
CUT TO:
INT. ARDEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
ARDEN, sulking like a queen dethroned, face deep in a pillow. But the doorbell is her call to arms. Her eyes shoot open, the spark returning.
CUT TO:
INT. ARDEN'S HOUSE - THE FOYER - CONTINUOUS
Decked in ludicrously expensive yet comical PJs, Arden hustles down the grand staircase with the eagerness of a five-year-old on Christmas morning.
CUT TO:
EXT. ARDEN'S PORCH - CONTINUOUS
The door swings open, revealing Arden's radiant smile.
ARDEN
(delighted)
What the fuck is up, bitches?
Aoife and Gia beam like they've just cracked the Da Vinci Code and plunge into a group hug with Arden.
GIA
(teasing)
Summer break... finally! Jesus, you're late to the party.
Their joy is briefly interrupted by pig-like snorts. MAXINE (AKA Maxi Pad), Arden's lazy-eyed King Charles Spaniel, barrels over, causing an eye-roll marathon from Aoife.
AOIFE:
(Dripping with sarcasm)
Why must it act like this every time?
ARDEN:
(Mock disbelief)
Did you just refer to my dog as an it?
GIA:
(Smiling)
You can't tell me you see it any differently.
The ensuing silence screams louder than any words. Their gazes ask her the question they're too polite to voice. The question hangs in the air, much like the earlier snorting sound.
AOIFE & GIA:
(Unison)
That creature is an 'it'.
Arden, a master of subtle deflection, gives a noncommittal shrug. They proceed indoors, their laughter echoing off the marble floors as they share the latest gossip and make fun of school scandals.
ARDEN:
(Laughs, then waves them in)
You guys know the drill, c'mon in.
CUT TO:
INT. ARDEN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Cut to the trio, now in their pajamas, clustered on Arden's bed amid a sea of books and half-eaten snacks. In the background, the muted murmurings of a 'Succession' episode. The room - a cozy haven, edging on cramped - is a testament to Arden's dual love for beauty pageants and academics.
GIA:
(Telling a story, slightly aggravated)
And I was all like, well, what does it even matter if she's holding a red solo cup in the pic? She looked cute as hell. Why delete it?
Suddenly, Aoife, scrolling through her Instagram feed, gasps.
AOIFE:
(In disbelief)
No. way. The Massachusetts Manwhore himself posted ...again.
ARDEN:
(Amused)
Ted? Oh God, is he shirtless in front of a national monument again?
GIA:
(Slightly repulsed)
Or God forbid shirtless at another prom...
Their collective shudder echoes their shared discomfort. Then Aoife reveals the image: Ted and the infamous Ashley Sarmanian, better known to the Hags as 'The 'Sarm' in an unfortunate pose that's all too familiar to the trio. A recreation of the original pube scandal of 2021. Laughter rings through the room, and for a moment, the world's weight is forgotten.
GIA:
(Overcome with laughter)
Oh my GOD... The Sarm??? This is better than I ever could have imagined.
(Pause, then semi-seriously)
Are we bad people for laughing at this?
Aoife
(Confidently)
Nah- highkey they should name a wilderness trail after her - 'Ashley's Pube Path'.
Their laughter ricochets off the walls as they pledge to keep a record of their "friend group lore".
ARDEN:
She's doing this to herself- girl got kicked out of two whole schools for saying the N word.
AOIFE:
(Nodding)
And with the hard R too, I bet. Probably got a kick out of it, the sick freak.
GIA:
(Joins in, shedding the last remnants of guilt)
You know she did. She probably gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of it. Like a sick kind of racism fetish or something.
Their laughter echoes around the room, a bittersweet blend of comic relief and uncomfortable truth.
AOIFE:
(Looking contemplative)
We should keep track of all this... all these stories, the gossip, our shared experiences. We keep forgetting half of it.
Suddenly, Arden, who's been in her own dimension this whole time— a space where Arden analyzes, plans, and plots— snaps back into the now, her eyes gleaming with a wild, mischievous spark.
ARDEN:
(Her voice laced with intrigue)
Alright, bitches, so listen closely.
She pulls the laptop closer, its faint glow highlighting her devilish grin.
ARDEN:
(Typing something into the search bar)
We need a system, a repository of all our shared insanity. A 'Book of Legends,' if you will.
GIA:
(Eyes widening)
Like... a chronicle?
ARDEN:
(Pointing at Gia)
Exactly! Think about it. It's not just for the laughs, it's history— our history.
Arden's fingers fly across the keyboard, her excitement building.
AOIFE:
(Nods, a slow smile spreading across her face)
I like that. It's... poetic. And just think about the gems we've got buried in the past.
Their laughter resurfaces at the thought of their shared stories, a kind of shared treasure that only they know of. The seriousness of the situation gradually succumbs to the euphoria of their shared vision, a testament to their unbreakable bond.
ARDEN:
(Grinning at her friends)
Just imagine all the hilarity waiting to be rediscovered...
GIA:
(Laughs)
And the potential blackmail material...
Aoife playfully throws a pillow at Gia while Arden continues typing, their laughter once again filling the room, this time with an undertone of anticipation.
INT. ARDEN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Arden, Aoife, and Gia, collectively known as the Hags, are huddled around the laptop on Arden's bedroom desk. Their faces are bathed in the artificial glow of the computer screen, while the faint hum of "Succession" plays from a neglected tablet off to the side.
ARDEN:
(Laughs)
Alright, I say we make a 'Hagaverse' Wikipedia page.
GIA:
(Laughs)
Yeah, like, imagine a wiki page that's just our absurdity and shenanigans documented for all eternity.
AOIFE:
(Grinning)
Oh, that's brilliant.
Gia navigates to Wikipedia and creates a new page: The Hagaverse. Their own little universe, a digital chronicle of their shared history. The first category they create is "Characters," where they add their own names alongside a roster of notorious individuals from their collective memory.
GIA:
(Reading out loud)
Teddy Lee - "The Massachusetts Manwhore". Ashley Sarmanian - "The Sarm". Arden's mom Carolyn - "The American Psycho". Aoife's dad, known as "Teeth Paul"...
The girls break into peals of laughter as Aoife starts filling in the character profiles, adding outrageous details and hyperbolic backstories.
Next, they create a category for "Events," where they document infamous incidents like the "Hex of Green Alan", and the equally scandalous "Pube Scandal". Each absurd memory written down only leads to more laughter.
ARDEN:
(Chuckling)
We should add a "Fictional characters" category too. Like Chubby Frog, the Tonsil-Stealing Hanewitch, and, oh, how about Shiv Roy from Succession?
Aoife snorts with laughter, already typing.
AOIFE:
(Hysterically laughing)
Yes! Shiv Roy, our honorary Hag.
As they continue to populate their digital universe, they bask in the humor and absurdity of their shared history, a testament to the strength of their friendship, a testament to the 'Hagaverse'.
