Okay okay okay... so there isn't much I can say if I want to stay on track. Alright, Briefly I'll tell you a little about myself, for uh some background. My name is Jeanie sa- actually my name isn't important.
I'm Jeanie and my "love" life is kinda hectic. My "life" life is kinda hectic. I have a few siblings here and there, theres 6 of us I'm alone now because my brother max went to college this year. I don't have alot of friends I could name about 4. Two of them are my out of state cousins.
School is hard, growing up is hard, and social situations are hard. The one thing that isn't is swimming. Swimming is my favorite thing. I have been doing it since I was 5 years old and ive been on 4 different swim teams. swimming is the only thing that makes sense. the only thing that can clear my head.
2 years ago...this guy...Nickolas and I kissed. We kissed at regionals in the hotel. Then the year after that too at the finals. Me and Nickolas used to be such close friends, about 4 years? Would be five now except, we are strangers now. I would be lying if I said it wasn't difficult. We have been no contact for a year and I don't know where we went wrong.
Things of course got complicated after our first kiss because he did something when we got back to school that made me lose my trust in him. So I got mad at him and decided I had to hate him and I had to do that with every bone in my body because if I didn't I would love him. I didn't want to love him, I never wanted to love him. However as the days went on, I realized that he could never make me angry, I found myself just wanting to be near him, just to hear him talk, I cared about him, and about the things that he said.
The summer after our first kiss and into the school year, he became someone I did not recognize. Someone I could not be around without having panic attacks. Then finals rolled around and he wasn't even on my mind I had practically forgotten him.
I warred with myself for about 20 minutes I asked for guidance from my friend about what to do. Because by this time he was already in the room and I was.... I was high. My friend finally responded she wrote "fuck off Jeanie it's too late at night for this". So it happened again. I let it happen.
I wish it didn't.
He isn't hard to say no to but both times I didn't want him to leave. The first time was exhilarating but messy and awkward, the second time was boring and slightly less awkward but I was high and mad at myself for letting him in again need I say more?
But now.. Now I am over him and my head is clear, I had a rebound or two and I am over him. The third time's a charm so I plot to be friends with him again. I am older now and I need to focus on school and can't give energy to dumb drama so that's what I'll do.
