𝐢𝐟 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐈

Dear me~

You can never keep yourself out of trouble, can you? You didn't have to go and ambush Emily at lunch today, even if she was bullying Julie. It wasn't your battle to fight. And you definitely didn't have to gather other friends to fight with you. You dragged them into your mess and just made a fool of yourself. 

Especially when Julie ran away crying, and you felt something break inside.

And that night, when your mother got the phone call from Julie's mother, did you feel guilty? I know you did. I know you felt the floor tilt when your mother put the phone on speaker and you heard Julie's mother say how upset Julie was that her friendship with Emily was ruined. You felt a small surge of annoyance -- Emily was hurting Julie, why couldn't she see that? -- but it disappeared in an instant. You knew you were wrong, and it hurt more than anything.

But you knew that wasn't the worst phone call of the night, even though it entailed tears and pain and your mother yelling at you. No, the worst phone call was from Emily's mother. Your mother didn't put the phone on speaker, but you knew the conversation. It had been the same one since elementary school -- Emily would bully someone, you'd foolishly step in to fix things in the name of being righteous, and it would end up with Emily playing the victim. 

And it wasn't any different that time, was it? You were forced to apologize to Emily, who played out the whole thing. The next day at school, Julie didn't speak to you. She never spoke to you again.

When you stepped up for Julie, it was supposed to feel like victory. Like a triumph against the years of pain Emily gave Julie. And even if you didn't admit it, the years of pain she gave you. The names she'd call you all through elementary. The way she'd hurt you when no one was looking -- a whispered insult in your ear, or sometimes a kick. And the way she'd feign innocence when an adult came -- a few tears and a "it wasn't my fault" always managed to turn teachers or parents against you. 

But that? That didn't feel like victory, did it? It felt like losing. I know you hate losing. If only you had kept your mouth shut, maybe things would have been okay.

If only.