My mafia sanegiyuu

vent ig (not a chapter)

I'm writing this as my family's are fighting all of the kids are in bed listening to loud music so they can't hear our aunt's uncles and parents and grandparents fight all that I can say is " I'm fucking tired".

And I'm balling my eyes out cus my brother broke my headphones my throwing it at the ground and isn't getting scolded yet I'm the one who's at fault i fucking hate it I hid it away but still he found it Andi got scolded and got slapped for Scolding my brother I hate it that headphones was the only gift I asked for my graduation gift I hate my family they always say I have to accept that it had happened yet when Im in the fault I either get slapped in the face or get beaten by a belt and get a lecture I hate my life

What's worst is
Almost every night I dream of my friends telling me to kill myself that I was useless the world would be better without me yet I think that it's true and I hoped it would happen

Every now and then I would think If the world would ever miss me or even care I'd die and  I wished I died

This all started when I was a lil kid I was happy until I harassed and got ®a₱ed by a family friend when I was only 6 though I have grown up I will never ever ever forget the pain I will never forgive the man who ruined me

I had a cousin who also got harassed
By a family member though we were a year apart we were the closest she was with me though everything when my father beat the shit out if me cus I didn't memorized something he gave me she was there when I got hurt when I was alone and stuff and I was with her until she graduated and had to move away as her parents got divorced I cried and spend so much time with her we exchanged stuff to remember eachother and hug it when we were sad or felt alone

It broke me when she moved away

At 6th grade I would find out my 5th grade friends and other 6ty grade friends had a group chat about talking shit about me and how I was just a toy and I would do anything to be friends with them how it was fun toying with me and how I was so eager to help them with nothing in return I was shocked broken betrayed my Best friend who told me as she was newly added to the group chat I could only sob into her shoulder hoping it was a prank but it wasn't I noticed that she acted and almost mimicked my favorite cousin

I bottled up my emotions only smiling through pain I could only cry and let it out at night where was also the only time if the day I could be happy as only my cousin my best friend and the internet cheers me up

Until one of my "friends" ruined the hoodie by lavering it with a lot of baking powder that hoodie was given by my favorite cousin it was dirty ruined I could only cry as they called me dramatic and overreacting and how I was a pick me

That broke my happy face

I started to cut my stomach and thighs as my wrist would be easy to spot ( am so smart)I felt relief each cut I would cut beyond 50 each time I would laugh looking at my blood dripping out

My best friend was the only one who knew as she accidentally hit my stomach and I winched in pain as they were new cuts my best friend cried finding out I could only cry apologizing for doing it she only pleaded for me to stop as she hated seeing me hurt myself

After months I became the loner of the classroom ( my best is in another section) I was quite my smile and my cheerfulness disappeared then I earned the name emotionless emo  loner(kinda like giyuu just with a more or less very alive best friend)in the classroom, cus I only and would put my poker face my best friend saw me with it a

I would only express emotions around my best friend my cousin there my ray of happiness

The internet Wattpad the little stories I make come's so much nice comments with funny and supportiveness
reading funny sweet stories online almost makes my shitty day better

Thank u for everything