Changes

Changes

That day I cried because I was hurting

It had been a bad day. He was feeling like he shouldn't be here, shouldn't exist. He was a waste of space and Seungmin wasn't picking up. This was after Hyunjin had left him in a huff to schmooze his campaigners which he really didn't want to see.

Hyunjin had been side-lined as they were in public and it chiselled at his confidence. He knew how he looked but he didn't think that was enough.

Seungmin was sweet in private; the best partner he could ask for but in public he had to keep appearances. He'd worked hard to get where he was and Hyunjin got it but it doesn't mean that he liked it both for himself, Seungmin and their relationship. He knew that deep down Seungmin wasn't happy either, he just held it together better than Hyunjin who was always on edge.

Hyunjin was on edge but he tried not to hurt himself; he really did. It wasn't intentional. No really. He was feeling like he didn't matter, like Seungmin won't mind if he was gone. Like it would solve his problems and his parents won't have a son to be ashamed of anymore.

He knew that at least Seungmin would miss him because of past...episodes. So in his quest to distract himself while Seungmin was away he went for a walk...and got stung by something that caused a serious allergic reaction. So serious that several passerby stopped to help him and called an ambulance for him.

For a second, he wanted to stop them. He was an artist and sometimes a model to make ends meet. He certainly couldn't afford the hospital; Seungmin would have to pay because his own parents won't. He didn't want to be a burden; best he expires right there. It wouldn't be a bad end surrounded by nature in a park – fitting for him and poeticly back to the ground as it was natural. His only regret would be not saying a proper goodbye to Seungmin. His friends probably won't mind too much; they had each other to lean on. Hyunjin was dependable but he was stuck in his own head too much these days so they tended not to confide in him, knowing he was a bit fragile.

He had difficulty breathing so in the end, he went to hospital whether he liked it or not because he couldn't exactly speak or throw a tantrum to convince them not to take him.

That day I was happy

When he came to it, he was in a hospital bed in a bright room. He wasn't confused for long; this had happened other times. He was alone only for a few minutes and when his eyes adjusted to the brightness, the door to his room burst open.

When he saw Seungmin in his smart suit looking frazzled he immediately felt guilty. He'd put him out of his way and made him cut his engagement short. He felt happy too however; that Seungmin had chosen to be here and that he managed to see him.

Hospitals were always tricky to navigate.

'Are you family?' they would ask and how could they explain that yes, they were - in feelings only though. They hadn't gotten legally married while studying and working abroad; Seungmin had had plans and if voters got to know that a future politician was married to a man even though it would not be recognised in Korea...he won't be elected. When he was elected, the fear remained so they had a ceremony between them and a handful of friends in the States but it wasn't legal.

Hyunjin's heart had been full and he'd been happy however. Despite everything, Seungmin had wanted to be with him. It hadn't been the happiest day of his life; he hoped that was still to come. If he had to choose a day so far, it would be the one where he'd sold his first painting which was the same day that Seungmin asked him seriously to be his boyfriend. He'd felt achieved in all aspects of his life that day; nothing close to the dread he navigated life with these days.