I Couldn't Ask

2

Wintersweet Flowers

It snowed heavily on the night before the New Year.

In a moment of silence, Xu Tangan called for a palace maid to light the stove for me. I was tired of Xu Tangan pretentious care, and I was also tired of his affectionate gaze.

He asked, “What kind of position should I give Xu Zunyu?”

“Zhen1 heard that when he was a young man, he had a dream that he wanted to defend the border for his country.”

This seemed like a proposal when he asked for my opinion, but in reality, he had already made a decision in his mind.

I narrowed my eyes and smiled, “Which country is it for, and whose border is it guarding against?”

Xu Tangan still had a smile on his lips, but there was a sharp coldness in his expression. “Qiufu, I didn’t kill the Li Imperial Family under the pressure from the outside. I have already been particularly gracious for your sake.”

Yes, now my family were all held in prison. As a part of the imperial family, whether they could live or not depended on how I, a useless princess, dealt with Xu Tangan.

Back then, my father had slapped me and told me that Xu Tangan must not be saved, let alone be released. But not only did I save him, I also released the tiger back to the mountain2.

A few years later, he led thousands of troops to break through the capital of my country, and his men burned, killed, and looted. The civilian’s voices of resentment filled the roads.

It was my mistake.

I shouldn’t have saved him.

I said, Let Xu Zunyu go and I will follow you from now on. 

He scoffed at my remark with a look of mockery in his eyes.

“Are you bargaining with me?” He asked.

I stared at him intensely. I was close to grinding my teeth when I said, “I’m begging you.”

I’m begging you. I have never said this to anyone before, not even to my honorable father, who was the son of Heaven.

Even though my father was not talented at governing the country, he was extremely strict with me.

Xu Tangan looked at me closely and slowly exposed a smile. “All right, I promise you.”

Making me give in was only his first step, the painful days were still to come.

Xu Zunyu was really sent to defend the border. Before his departure, Xu Tangan showed mercy and let me see him.

When I looked into his gentle eyes, my tears suddenly fell down uncontrollably.

The only people who could be the Emperor’s son-in-law were scholars, and Xu Zunyu was no exception. It was really not suitable for him to wear this cold armor.

It was true that he had his own dreams as a young man, but that was already in the past. He was just a scholar who would accompany me to write poems. A graceful and elegant scholar.

Xu Zunyu said, “Qiufu, forgive me for not bowing to you.”

“As soon as we say farewell today, I don’t know when we will see each other again.”

Snowflakes fluttered all over the sky and the wet traces on my cheeks were dried again. The cold wind blew, and there was a hot tingling sensation.

I choked up and couldn’t say a word.

Even now, I could still clearly remember Xu Zunyu looking at me with his passionate, loving eyes on our wedding night.

As a prime minister’s di3 son, he could have held a high position and had a magnanimous career as an official. Yet, he resigned and became my husband in order to dispel my father’s fears.

I had known him for twenty years, but now I had fallen to a place like this.

His footprints were no longer visible in this blanket of snow.

“Go back,” I thought.

I turned around and came across a pair of cold eyes.

Xu Tangan was close by looking at me quietly. His robe was already wet. He must have been standing there for a long time. He saw me walk towards him step by step and his expression finally softened. Then, he reached out to me.

I gently took his hand.

“Did Xu Zunyu console you?”

My cold fingertips were completely wrapped up in the palms of his warm hand, but the scorching heat could not seep into my heart on this cold snowy day.

“He told me to live well.”

“Is that so?”

He was probably dissatisfied with my cold hand. He let go of my hand, took off his cloak, and stopped walking to tie it around me.

“Do you know when I started liking you?” Xu Tangan’s charming cold face was so close, but the movements of his hands did not stop.

I was silent and let him continue his actions.

“It was seven years ago during winter and it was cold like this. You knitted a cloak for me, and of course, you also gave one to Xu Zunyu.” He smiled and a gentle look gradually spread across his face as he said, “You stood under a wintersweet tree and gave it to me.”

“The wintersweet flowers suited you a lot. That’s why I had all the white camellias flowers cut down in the palace and planted these wintersweet flowers specifically for you.”

“Qiufu, are you happy?”

In his eyes, there was a willful assertiveness that showed the dedication of a young man.

Footnotes
朕 (zhèn) – used by the emperor to refer to themselves
放虎归山 (fàng hǔ guī shān) – metaphor for letting the enemy go
嫡 (dí) – born from the first wife