Feelings

This is just my feeling pls don't be mean

                                                  TW:SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
hi it's me today I had a ig u can call it a panic attack it was really worse than other time I couldn't even calm myself down yk am listening to heart to heart rn and it's relaxing yk and idk I hate my life I hate myself I wish I could be pretty I was looking at myself today and wished I was pretty I have chubby cheeks my mental health is worse now loll I really need help  ik but I really don't wanna ask for help btw I tried to hurt myself I did kinda but I chickened out when I picked up the razor loll.

Am hungry well I prefer starving myself and pretending I eat bc am becoming fat look I hate I hate it so much am becoming fat my hand can't even fit in my arm am too fat yea am too fat my stomach is too big I wish I had a smaller waist like (name) she so pretty everyone like her it's like she perfect I wish I was like her I wish everyone liked me but she's so perfect she has a good personality everyone loves her yk why can't I be like her why can't you be like (NAME) that's what my mom said yk I really hate it that no one can see me suffering but they see everyone else why can't u see me I need help.

I was just a child ok I didn't know that was bad why are you so disgusted of me I was gonna tell you I was sexually harassed as a child but your reaction when I told u she did that to me made me realize that no one will ever understand me no one thank you for making me realize that mom but please think about me I love being Christian but yk you could at least comfort me you just said to pray that hurts yk.

if this wasn't bad enough what the teacher did there just bad talk no comfort after I've been through all that after all that....loll I should've knew I've received no help it's just the same treatment that's why I like self isolation.

After what I told you even tho u experienced it am still a child am human words and your attitude your remarks can hurt too you know it hurts so much pls pls I have no reason to stay in this world if I could kms I would already yk.

No I don't want attention you can forget about me all you want but just help me am still here suffering after my stupid self thought I was better but am here crying in the bath with tissues all around me isn't that funny am smiling rn am sorry am really sorry for being ugly for being born for being useless for wanting to kms butpls help me loll who am I asking for help to I just get weird stares when ask what to feel I've always been the therapist friend for everyone so I can't just rant on and on about my life to my friends bc only I have time for that no I just ignore all my feelings and smile, smile like nothing is wrong.

Well my alexithymia is going to hit soon am that's when am gonna go in my bed I still do no know how i feel but yk I still have feelings I can't feel them but sometimes like rn am sad I can only feel sadness and anger and a little bit of happiness it's going away no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get it back bc it was gone a long time ago all these smiles laughs they were all fake.
Yk that feeling when anger fills your body and you just can't control it yea and when you tell someone something they just say so sad it makes me feel like a burden like am just annoying I just leave them alone ah yea I know am overeating ik. bye alexithymia got me again bye it's Ayuka  ly