What Freedom Feels Like

CHAPTER 2

"You should be thankful that there's still someone who wants to marry you, although you are useless."

Papa continued and holds Tita Celine's hand and caress it. I just watch them, unable to move nor say a word because of how shocked I am on what he just said.

Akala ko wala nang mas isasakit pa sa mga pinaggagawa nila saakin but Im wrong. So wrong that I can feel my heart ache and its so hard to breath.

Thinking on what Papa just said, para na niya akong binenta na parang isang kagamitan lang. And in exchange of what? Money?

Hindi naman na niya kailangan ng pera, ah. His company are doing so well, so why need to sold me?

I can't help but to cry helplessly and try to object him but I can't find my voice.

"Mr. Romanov wants you to be in his house tommorrow morning so start packing up your things tonight."

Tita Celine spoke while smirking at me, she's really happy to know that Im going to be gone on this house.

"P-pero Papa, ayoko po. And I don't even know who this man is."
I replied to them but I shrieked in fear when they both glared at me.

Papa slam both of his hand on his office table and stands up while gritting his teeth. I took a step back in fear on what he can do when he is mad.

"I don't care! Even if you don't want it or not, you can't do anything about it. Its settled already. You will leave this house early in the morning. You're useless here anyway and don't you dare to upset Mr. Romanov or else, Im really going to abandon you."

"Make yourself useful."

Mahabang litanya niya at dinuro- duro pa ako. I just kept quiet while listening to those hurtful words that he just said. Natatakot na talaga ako sakaniya.

"You must really be thankful that there is still a man who wants to marry you. Go and start packing your goddamn things. And fucking stop crying!"

"Leave! Now!"

He shout once again so I hurriedly ran to the door, muntik pa akong matisod dahil sa pagkataranta ko. My feets were even trembling.

Before I leave the room, I glance at them once and saw Tita Celine calming my father while giving him a kiss on the cheek. Papa smiled and hugged her so tightly that it makes my heart hurt more so I just close the door and headed towards my room.

Hindi matigil ang luha ko sa pagpatak dahil sa mga halo halong emosyon na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

______

The sun rises but Im still on my bed. Normally kapag ganitong umaga ay nandito na si Tita Celine s kuwarto ko, sinasampal at pinapagalitan na ako dahil daw sa pagiging tamad ko, she even pour a bucket of cold water on me. And I got a fever on that.

But they didn't care.

Sumasakit na ang ulo ko dahil sa walang tigil na pag iyak 'nang nakaraang gabi. My eyes sting. Replaying the events that happened last night, I cant help but to cry again.

I pity myself, I can't even defend myself. Hanggang kailan nalang ba akong magiging ganito?

Bumangon na lamang ako at pinasadahan ang kabuoan ng kwarto ko. This room became my safe haven for the last 23 years of living. This room became my comfort zone. It witnessed all my breakdowns and pleas. But now Im going to leave it.

Ano kaya ang magiging buhay ko roon? Would my life still be same? Will my new husband hurt me? Iniisip ko palang iyon ay kinakain na ako ng takot.

Napansin ko ang dalawang maleta sa gilid ng pinto, Manang Sonya helped me packed my things last night at pinaalalahan ako na mag- ingat sa kung saan man ako pupunta. She accompany me last night until I fell asleep but I woke up an hour after because of nightmare. Kaya gising na ako hanggang sa magbubukang liwayway na.

Ang isang laman ng bagahe kong mas maliit ay ang mga damit ko. Konti lang ang mga iyon kaya kasya na lahat doon. Habang ang isang mas malaki naman ay naglalaman ng mga art materials ko, I bought also my other paintings na kasya sa maleta.

Sighing, I left my bed and went in to the bathroom to take a bath at baka puntahan pa ako ni Tita Celine at mapagalitan. I wore a plain white skirt na abot hanggang tuhod ko, all of my clothes are skirt, bilang lang ang mg  pants na binibili nila para saakin. Most of my dresses were white.

I look at the mirror and saw myself looking so haggard. I look so thin, halos kita na ang mga buto sa kamay at leeg ko. My hazelnut brown eyes are staring back to me. Loneliness and are visible on it. My small pointy nose was reddish, maybe because of my nonstop cries. While my small pouty lips are a little bit reddish.

I have a small face just like my mother, Manang Sonya are always telling me that I look like my mother, maybe that's why Tita Celine hates me more. Siguro nalikita niya si Mama sa mukha ko. But that's not my fault.

________

Hindi pa'man ako nag aagahan ay pinapalabas na ako dahil sa dumating na raw ang susundo saakin. Kaya kahit gutom ay ininda ko nalang iyon at lumbbas na nang bahay habang nng mga maleta ko naman ay bitbit ni manang Sonya.

Habang naglalakad ay pinapaalalahan niya ako sa mga dapat at hindi dapat gawin. I just listened to her until we stopped infront of the gate.

13 years. Labingtatlong taon na pala ang nakalilipas simula nang puwede akong lumabas. I've been locked up for thirteen years. And now, I can finally free from this. But the moment that Im gonna open it, I guess my I won't see my father again. He didn't even come to see me for the last time. It hurts but I can't do anything.

I look back to the house where I grew up and suffered so much. Im really going to leave it.

Binuksan ko na ang gate at ang unang bumungad saakin ay ang isang mamahaling kotse na nakaparada mismo sa harap ng gate. I saw a man on his mid forties gets out of the drivers sit. He approached me with his lips smiling widely. Like he's so glad to meet me.

"It's my pleasure to meet you, Young Miss. I am called Ed, butler of the Young Master." He politely greeted and bow which literally shock me. In my entire life of living, ngayon lang ako trinato ng ganito.
This butler is so generous!

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras ba akong nakatunganga lang sakaniya. Nagulat talaga ako sa kung paano niya ako itrato.

His smile widen more when he see my reaction. "Shall we go, Young Miss?" Sir Ed, the butler said and open the door on the backseat for me.

He got my luggages and put it on the back compartment so I start to walk and get inside the car. Hindi nagtagal ay pumasok narin siya at pinaandar na ang kotse.

I unconsciously turn my head back on the gate, hoping to see my father but there's no one. A tear escaped my eyes but I wiped it before it falls down. Ayokong umiyak. Pero hindi ko mapigilang makaramdam ng sakit.

I guess I didn't really matter to my dad anymore.

I don't know how long sir Ed was driving.  Marami siyang kinukwento saakin tungkol sa pamilya niya. I just listened because Im so shy to talk. Isa pa ay natatakot ako, kahit pa nararamdaman kong mabait naman siya ay hindi ko parin maiwasang kabahan at isa pa ay ngayon ko lang siya nakilala.

Malaki raw ang utang na loob nila sa young master nila dahil sa pagpapaaral nito sa dalawa nilang anak, and base sa pagkukuwento niya ay naiimagine kong mabait ang mapapangasawa ko. 

But I don't want to hope, baka kapag nakita ko na siya ay hindi pala. Natatakot ako kapag ang ugali ng mapapangasawa ko ay hindi maganda. Im sure that he'll just abuse me. I knew it, because I experience it already.

I just wish na hindi ako makakagawa ng hindi maganda na ikakasama ng loob niya.
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• Philosnemesis