Lost at Sea || Shawmila [Completed]

I can't dare to dream about you anymore

It was almost dinner time, and the snowy streets were devoid of the usual Sunday strollers, making the town particularly quiet. Shawn lay in bed, a heavy blanket covering his naked body, as he watched Diane get dressed with a certain urgency. Things between them had always gone that way. She would come to his place, they would chat, and eventually lose themselves in each other until Diane had to go back to her son.

Shawn couldn't deny that she was a very attractive woman. She was confident, authoritative yet gentle, extremely caring and compassionate. She had always been attentive to him, listening to him during his darkest nights, filling his voids with caresses and kisses, making him feel less alone. He hoped that somehow he had managed to reciprocate that kindness, to be supportive to her as she had been to him.

Shawn continued to admire her as Diane tightened the skirt around her waist and started covering her pale legs with woolen stockings. "Have you seen her again?" she asked.

"Who are you talking about?"

"The girl with doe eyes who was here last week."

Shawn got up from the bed and began to dress. "Yes. We talked just the other day."

"She's cute," Diane said with a genuine smile. "She's the one, right? The girl you've always told me about."

He shook his head, chuckling, incredulous. "I can't hide anything from you," he said with a laugh.

Diane looked at herself in the mirror hanged over the dresser. The braid in which she always tied her hair was undone, so she let it loose and re-braided her orange locks. "Sweetheart, you haven't even tried to hide it! The sparkle in your eyes since she reappeared gave you away." Their gazes met in the stagnant reflection of the mirror, and Shawn wasn't surprised to see the same affection in those dark eyes. "So, what are you going to do?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, perplexed.

"Well, now that she's back, you won't stay here moping about how much you love her, will you?"

"Diane..."

She interrupted him, turning to face him and scolding him with the same impatient look of a mother waiting for an answer. "You can't let her go again, Shawn! You are head over heels in love with that woman, and this is your chance."

Shawn put on his sweater, making his already tousled curls even messier. "Don't you think it's a little weird to have this conversation just minutes after you got out of my bed?"

She rolled her eyes. "Don't change the subject."

He sighed. "Technically, you're right, this is my chance. But Camila came back only because her fiancé - the actor she was supposed to marry in less than a year, I might add - cheated on her. If she's here, it's certainly not for me."

"That's exactly why she showed up at your door after years of not seeing each other," she remarked sarcastically.

"And let's not forget about her parents. If Camila's mother could erase me from the face of the earth, she would."

"Fuck her mother, and fuck her smugness!" Diane exclaimed, exasperated. "Her parents have nothing to do with the feelings you two have for each other. Camila is not a little girl anymore; she doesn't have to bow down to their rules." Diane stepped closer to Shawn and cupped his face, looking him straight in the eyes. "I know you've been burned, and I know how scary the idea of putting yourself out there again is, but life is so short, Shawn! Don't let it slip through your fingers."

Despite the woman being a few years older than him, he towered over her. He raised his index finger and ran it across her face, brushing away a small strand from her forehead and then tracing the delicate features of her face. "You know what this means for us," he murmured in a hoarse voice, overwhelmed by emotions.

Diane smiled understandingly. "Why do you think I talked to you about it after we slept together? I wanted one last time before saying goodbye," she admitted with a laugh.

Shawn kissed her tenderly. Their kisses had never been like the ones he shared with Camila. There was no love between them, or at least not of the same kind. Their relationship had always been purely physical. There was affection, respect, empathy, but neither of them had ever desired anything more. That kiss was no different. It was his way of thanking her, of saying goodbye, of letting her know that even though their relationship couldn't continue, they would never be strangers.

"You're a good guy, Shawn. Don't forget that." Diane took a step back, allowing the physical distance to become an emotional one, then she said her goodbyes and left his house without looking back. Shawn couldn't deny that her farewell had left him disheartened, but he knew it had to happen sooner or later.

That night was a torment for him. Sleep was slow to come, the sheets still carried Diane's scent, and his mind was occupied by the same woman who had held his thoughts hostage for years. To say he was confused would be an understatement. Not so much about the authenticity of his feelings for Camila; he had no doubts about that. Rather, he wasn't sure if her return to Harbor Cove also meant that their love had survived the distance and time apart. Many things had happened since she had left Maine, and he struggled to believe that he still had a chance with her.

He thought back to the brief encounters in which he had seen her since her return, and wondered if Diane might actually be right. Would Camila have sought him out if she didn't intend to have him back in her life?

All those doubts finally led him to make a decision. Shawn wouldn't dare to dream about her again. He wouldn't invest false hopes in something that could potentially bring him to his knees, reducing his heart to a handful of sand. But he also wouldn't close off the possibility of being by the side of the woman he loved, no matter how much time they had left. If all Camila wanted was a simple friendship, he would grant it to her. Thus, he decided to leave their fate in the hands of the woman who had always held the reins.