The past is always there - The summer I turned pretty(Unfinished)

The bonfire

"Yes?" I say to the person knocking on my door.
I'm sitting on my bed, reading.
Jeremiah comes in and walk over, standing on my right. "Reading?"
I nod and move further left on the bed, pointing for him to sit down next to me, so he does.
"Read out loud, I want to hear," he says, resting his head, on top of mine.
Then he moves it, and stiffens.
He moves a few inches away from me.
"Sorry, I didn't-" he begins, but doesn't finish. I think probably because he doesn't know how. I mean, he doesn't know why I don't want him to touch me at all.
He's probably confused, and honestly, I totally get that. I would too.
But, I can't explain it, without giving a reason.
And I'm not ready to talk about it.
Any of it.

I turn my head, so I can look directly at his face.
"You're good," I say, smiling, pulling him by his arm so he's as close as he was before.
I rest my head on his shoulder.
If I wanna be a normal teenager, I need to be able to do this.
I'm okay.
I'm fine.
It's fine.
I take a deep breath, trying to ignore how uncomfortable I really am. But if I want to be a normal teenager, I gotta suck it up.
Right?
I start reading, but I don't really follow. My thought are not there.

•••
"Do you think that shit's normal?"
I didn't answer.
I couldn't answer.
If I said anything, he would just yell and tell me I'm disrespectful for "talking back".
Of course, I knew the dangers of staying quiet too.
Why don't you talk? Are you scared? Stop being a pussy.
ASWER ME!

But it was a better chance to take, than to answer. The consequences weren't as bad.

He continued talking.
"Do you think that every kid goes through it or something?"
I shrugged.
"Well they don't! You're just a fucking freak."
Freak.
You're just a fucking freak.
This wasn't anything new. I alredy knew this.
He had said this before.
I was used to it.

"Johnatan-"
"Don't say anything you stupid bitch!"
I heared a gasp.
Not me.
Not John.
It was Mom.
"Honey, maybe you could be a little more-"

"Don't get involved, Ava. I'm talking to your daughter."
He turned to Mom.
"Your stupid and incompetent daughter who can't even stand still when I touch her arm!"
He turned back to me.
I could feel the tears running down my cheeks.
I was too scared to dry them.

"You sensitive little-"
He stopped. He didn't know how to continue.
His rage did that sometimes.
Made him not being able to finish.

I look at Mom.
He can't do anything while she's here.

I take a step closer to Johnatan, and look him dead in the eyes, before I say, "well you raised me, remember? Even though you're not my dad, you still raised me. You made me into this. So you only have yourself to blame."
I take a step back.
I regretted it immediately.
I regretted what I said.
I regretted what just came out of my mouth.

He didn't say anything. He was shocked.
Shocked at what I said.
Shocked at the fact that I said something at all.
That was for Asher, asshole..
•••

I stop reading at the end of the chapter.

Fuck, why is my vision blurry?
Stop.
Fucking.
Crying.

I blink quickly to get rid of the tears before they run down my cheeks.

"I don't get the storyline," Jeremiah says.
I laugh.
Halfways real, halfways just so he doesn't find out what I just thought of.