Resident Evil Oneshots

Incorrect quotes II

Piers: Wait, what's going on? Are we all talking about how hot Chris is? Because Chris is a straight up sexual fox riding a red-hot nuclear bombshell right toward the yowza plaza in the heart of Babe City, Assachusetts, U S A. The last A just stands for more ass.

//

Leon: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.
(Y/N): Wow, I've gotta hear this.
Leon: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.
(Y/N): You forgot pride.
Leon: No, I'm pretty proud of this.

//

Chris: Heh, Leon sneezes like a girl.
Leon: How about I pound you like boy?
Leon: That didn't come out right.

//

(Y/N): Hey, I'm getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?
Finn: ...Have you never taken a shower before?

//

(Y/N): Make her pussy wet not her eyes.
Jake: Make his dick hard not his life.
Piers: Break her bed not her heart.
Chris: Play with her boobs not her feelings.
Leon: Get on his dick not his nerves.
Finn: Always salt your pasta while boiling it.

//

Piers: I put the pun in punishment.
Leon: I put the top in unstoppable.
Finn: I put the cute in execute.
Chris: I put the sexy in dyslexia.
(Y/N): I put the ass in class.
Jake: I put the D in Piers.

//

Finn: Hey guys, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?
Jake, Leon, and (Y/N): No!
Chris: Alright, that's it, you guys. What happened out there?
Jake: What? We took a walk. Nothing happened. I came back with nothing all over me.
Chris: What does that mean?
Finn: Come on, what happened? Leon?
Leon: Alright.
Jake: No. Leon, we swore we'd never tell!
(Y/N): They'll never understand.
Leon: But we have to say something. We have to get it out. It's eating me alive.
Leon: Jake got stung by a jellyfish!
Jake: Alright! I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I- I couldn't walk.
(Y/N): We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Jake: I was in too much pain.
Leon: And I was tired from digging a huge hole.
(Y/N): And then Leon remembered something.
Leon: I'd seen this thing in the Discovery Channel.
Finn: Wait a minute, I saw that. On the Discovery Channel. Yeah, about jellyfish and how if you— EW! You peed on yourself?
Chris and Piers: EW!!
Jake: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't... bend that way. So... *looks at Leon*
Finn, Chris, and Piers: Ew!
Leon: That's right. I stepped up. They're my friend and they needed help. If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you.
Leon: Only, uh, I couldn't. I got stage fright. I wanted to help but there was too much pressure. So, I, um, I turned to (Y/N).
(Y/N): Leon kept screaming at me, "Do it now. Do it. Do it now." Sometimes, late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Leon: That's because sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.

//

Chris: I'm so happy, I could kiss you!
Leon: Um...Neat.
*later*
Leon, lying face down on his bed: I said "Neat," Piers. Who the fuck says neat these days? It's not neat to say neat but I said it anyways because I'm fucking stupid.
Piers, reading a book: Don't beat yourself up too much, Leon. Everyone gets nervous sometimes. Remember what I did when (Y/N) confessed their love for me?
Leon: Didn't you thank them?
Piers: *closes the book and looks at the ceiling* I fucking thanked them.