Keep It Real (ONE-SHOT)

Keep It Real

When I looked at his eyes, which shared the color of wet earth, I knew a big part of me had just collapsed, only to be rebuilt again to see a new colorful world.

Jay had a strange hobby of pushing me with his intense gaze against the wall. I would stare back, not backing down. It happened once, twice, until I was almost convinced there was more to it than a friendly game we stumbled upon together. We messaged each other basically every time, even sharing a comfortable silence over a phone call until we fell asleep. When he had a problem, he reached out to me. He did everything I wanted him to do, even if sometimes he knew I was just joking. My friends told me it was not something just a friend would do, and I let myself believe that, perhaps he really liked me too.

Not until that day during our break time. He sat beside me, there was a glint of pride in his eyes as though his ego had been fed, and told me some boy from the other section had confessed to him. It rendered me speechless. He chuckled as he prodded me to say something.

"What did you say?" I croaked out.

"Nothing. Just left him standing there," he said then back to eating his chocolate like nothing happened. The way he took it so easily made me angry for the boy. And scared for myself. Because if he thought the boy was disgusting, it wouldn't be different from what he would feel about me. Because I was also a boy. With a fat crush on him. I'd never really been attracted to boys before. It was just with him.

Naturally, I avoided him. He messaged me a couple of times but I didn't relent, serious about avoiding him forever. I was so close to ruining my life by confessing to him. I was happy it didn't happen. I almost signed myself to a world where I was the subject of judgement. I wondered what face he would make if ever that happened? Would he be happy that I also stroked his ego?

I bumped into him at the park. He looked fine, gone the playful aura he always had around him. He pressed his lips together. That time I realized I didn't need to be afraid. I didn't need him to accept me for who I was. I realized the world was too big so it must not be full of homophobic, right? Someone out there might love me for who I was. The thought gave me courage.

"I'm a boy and I liked you," I told him. "Am I disgusting, too?"

He teared up, violently shaking his head. "No, you are not!" He said, and he looked deeply sorry. He walked forward to hug me.

Living the life of your preferred gender shouldn't be hard. It should feel like eating a bar of chocolate, easy but fulfilling.